An adaption of Shrek the Musical
by Princess Regia Al
Summary: My own version of Shrek the Musical.
1. Act 1, Scene 1

[ _Overture_ plays, while it does, the curtains are closed. There are two large books. One opens and we see **Mama Ogre, Papa Ogre** and **Young Shrek.** ]

 _ **Big Bright Beautiful World**_

 **Voice of Shrek**  
Once upon a time, there was a little ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty  
place, but he was happy because ogres like nasty.

On his birthday, the little ogre's parents sat him down to talk, just as all ogre's parents had for hundreds of years before.

 **Mama** **Ogre**  
Listen son, you're growing up so quickly,  
Growing up, bigger by the day.

 **Papa** **Ogre**  
Although we want you here,  
The rules are very clear-

 **Mama** **Ogre**  
Now you're _seven_...( _Holds last note_ )

 **Papa** **Ogre**  
(While **Mama Ogre** is singing _seven_ )Now you're seven...

 **Both**  
So it's time, to go away.

 **Papa** **Ogre**  
Take some words of wisdom for your trip.

 **Mama** **Ogre**  
These are little things, you need to know.

 **Both**  
When you are grotesque,  
life is Kafkaesque.

 **Mama** **Ogre**  
Just keep _walking_...( _Holds last note_ )

 **Papa** **Ogre**  
(While **Mama Ogre** is singing _walking_ )Just keep walking...

 **Both**  
and you'll find somewhere to go.

It's a big bright beautiful world,  
with happiness all around.  
It's peaches and cream  
and every dream comes true...  
But not for you.

It's a big, bright, beautiful world,  
with possibilities everywhere.  
And just around the bend,  
there's a friend or two...  
But not for you.

 **Mama** **Ogre**  
Good- _bye_! ( _Holds last note_ )

 **Papa** **Ogre**  
(While **Mama Ogre** is singing _bye_ )Good-bye!

 **Mama** **Ogre**  
Watch out for men with pitch-forks!

[ **Young Shrek** goes on his way. His parents go back into the book. Once they do, the book closes and goes backstage. The second book opens. We see **King Harold, Queen Lillian,** **Young Fiona** and their attendants **.** ]

 **Voice of Fiona**

Once upon a time, there lived a little Princess named Fiona, who had a terrible curse and lived in the kingdom of Far Far Away. (They step out of the book)One fateful day, her parents decided to lock her away in a desolate tower guarded by a fire-breathing Dragon. Like so many Cursed Princesses had for hundreds of years.

[They start walking. They walk as they sing]

 **King Harold**

Your Mama packed a Dolly for your stay.

 **Queen Lilian**

Your Papa packed your books & bubblegum.

 **Both**

Darling don't be sad, a tower's not so bad!

 **Queen Lilian**

Just keep _waiting…_ ( _Holds last note_ )

 **King Harold**

(While **Queen Lilian** is singing _waiting_ ) Just keep waiting…

 **Both**

And some day, your Prince will come.

[They pass **Young Shrek,** but they (except **Young Fiona** ) ignore him. The second book is pulled backstage. **Villagers** enter, with the intent to burn **Young Shrek.** ]

 **Villagers**

It's a big bright beautiful world.  
So come along my friend, and join the fun.  
We saved you a spot, and we've a lot to do.  
Doo, doo, doo!

It's a big bright beautiful world.  
Where everybody sings, Kumbaya.  
While playing a guitar, as we bar-be-que...  
You, you, you!

[ **Young Shrek** roars, scaring **Villagers** away. He then goes offstage. When **Young Shrek's** off, **Adult Shrek's** Swamp house  & Out House are brought onstage.]

 **The Voice of Shrek**

And so the little ogre went on his way, and found a muddy patch of swampland, far, far away from the world that despised him. And  
there he stayed for many years. Tucked away, and all alone...which was just the was he liked it.

[ **Shrek** emerges from his outhouse.]

 **Shrek**  
Keep your big bright beautiful world.  
I'm happy where I am, all alone.  
I got all I need,  
so read the stinkin' sign!

Keep your big bright beautiful world.  
I party on my own anyway.  
Doin' what I can  
with a one-man conga line.

Yeah, your big bright beautiful world  
is all teddy bears and unicorns.  
Take your fluffy fun,  
and shove it where the sun don't shine!

I prefer a life like this-  
it's not that complicated.  
Sure, I'm fated to be lonely,  
and I'm destined to be hated.  
If you read the books, they say  
it's why I was created.  
But I don't care,  
'cause being liked  
is grossly overrated.

Who needs a big bright beautiful world?  
I got my own little patch of the world!  
It's not a big bright beautiful world,  
but it's mine! Alone!

It's mine!  
And it's mine!  
All mine!

[ **Shrek** grabs a basket, then goes off into the woods to get food. As soon as he's gone, **the Fairytale Creatures** and **Guard #1** enter. **The Fairytales** are complaining.]

 **Guard #1:** Don't mind the mud. You'll get used to it!

 **Pinocchio:** This place is a dump!

 **Pig #2:** (Panicky)It's awful!(Starts to have a panic attack.)

 **Pig #3:** (Putting a hoof on **Pig #2's** shoulder)Take deep breaths, brother!

 **Pig #1:** (To everyone)He has panic attacks.

 **Shoe maker's Elf:** (Goes to them)Here, breath into this. (Gives **Pig #2** her paper bag, which he breaths into.)

 **Pig #1:** Thanks. Why do you have zis?

 **Shoe maker's Elf:** I have asthma. (To **Guard #1** )Guard, this place smells like butt.

[ **Fairytale Creatures** complain even more to **Guard #1** ]

 **Guard #1:** (Blows whistle)Silence! You've all read Lord Farquaad's decree.

 **Pinocchio:** Yeah, yeah, we've read it. "All Fairytale Creatures have been banned from the kingdom of Duloc. All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent to a 'resettlement facility.'"

 **Big Bad Wolf:** Which, by the way is unfit for a pig!

 **Pig #1:** Hello! Vee can hear you.

 **Pig #3:** Vee're standing right here!

 **Little Sassy Wolf:** Shut up! Even you think it's awful!

 **Big Bad Wolf:** My sister's right!

[ **Guard #1** blows whistle again]

 ** _Story Of My Life_**

 **GUARD #1**  
(Spoken)  
Alright, when I call your name step forward. "Pinocchio, the puppet."

 **PINOCCHIO**  
(Spoken)  
(Comes towards **Guard #1** )I'm not a puppet I'm a real boy.  
(Nose grows and he laughs nervously)

 **GUARD #1**  
(Spoken)  
(Points)That's your patch of mud down there.

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
(Spoken)

(Nervously)Thank you very much. (Goes to spot)  
Dumped on a swamp. Man, I tell you sometimes being a fairytale creature sucks pine sap.  
(Sung)

Life is disappointing,  
Whoa is what I know.  
Outted by my nose,  
That's just how it goes,  
For poor Pinocchio.  
Story of my life,  
Always doomed to fail.  
Cheated by a fox,  
Swallowed by a whale.  
That's the story of my life, oh yeah,  
That's the story of my life.

 **Guard #1**

(Spoken to 4 Bears)4 Bears, take your place by that sign. (Points to **4 Bears** move to sign)Too Far. ( **4 Bears** move)Too close. ( **Bears** move slightly)Just right!

 **SHOEMAKER'S** **ELF** :  
(Sing sung)Strife is never ending.

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
Peter Pan!

 **PETER** **PAN** :  
Banished, from the town

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
Ugly Duckling!

 **UGLY** **DUCKLING** :  
They dragged me from the pond.

 **FAIRY** **GODMOTHER** :  
They brook my magic wand.

 **THE THREE LITTLE PIGS** :  
Zey blew our condos down.

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
Wicked Witch!

 **WITCH** :  
Life is but a witch hunt.

 **MAMA** **BEAR** :  
Mama's in the mud,  
Mama's in distress.

 **Mad Hatter** :  
They ridiculed my hat.

 **THREE LITTLE PIGS** :  
Zey said that vee were fat.

 **BIG BAD WOLF** :  
They tore my cotton granny dress,  
And called me a hot n' tranny mess.

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
Sugar Plum Fairy!

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
Story of my life.  
Booted from ball  
Told to go away.

 **HUMPTY DUMPTY** :  
Tumbled off a wall

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
That's the story of my life.

[ **White Rabbit** enters.]

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
You're late rabbit.

 **WHITE RABBIT** :  
That's the story of my life.

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
Have fun you guys

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
That's the story of my life.

 **GUARD #1** :  
(Spoken)  
And remember if we find you back in the kingdom you will be executed.

[ **Fairytale Creatures** scream.]

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
That's the story of my life.

I always dreamed I'd get a happy ending.

 **WICKED WITCH** :  
And this right here,  
Not how it goes.

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
I always dreamed I'd get an ever after.  
If this is it,  
It blows (x3)

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
(Spoken)  
This is worse than that case of Dutch Elm Disease I caught in Tijuana.

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
Story of my life,  
Always double crossed.  
Always in the woods.

 **Goldilocks & Red Ridding Hood**  
Always getting lost.

 **ALL Fairytale Creatures** :  
Always on the ropes,

Always up a creek

Always kicked around,

And treated like a freak!  
That's the story of my life, yes sir.  
That's the story of my life, oi vei.  
That's the story of my,  
Life

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
(Spoken)  
Crap!

[Fairytale **Creatures** return to their assigned places. Shrek appears, and is shocked at the unwanted company.]

 **Shrek:** (Yells)What are you doing on my swamp?!

[ **Fairytale Creatures** are scared]

 **Pinocchio:** (Scared)Oh, Gosh! We were forced to come here!

 **Shrek:** (Demanding)Forced by who?

 **Pig #2** : Lord Farquaad. He huffed, and he puffed, and he, signed an eviction notice.

 **Shrek:** Well, not my problem. Now you all need to get of my swamp and go back where you came from!

 **Mama Bear:** (Panicky)Go back? We can't go back!

 **Pig #1** : Farquaad will turn us in braquwrurst

 **Big Bad Wolf:** Oh, the guy's bad news.

 **Sugarplum Fairy:** (Thick accent)Maybe you could, (uh) talking to him uh?

 **Elf:** Yeah, he'd listen to you Ogre! You're big and scary!

 **Shrek:** I'm also an Ogre! Which means I stay on my swamp and avoid large crowds. Or haven't you read the stories?

 **Big Bad Wolf:** Hah! You mean those "stories" that say I'm a Big _Bad_ Wolf. (Everyone laughs)

 **Witch** : (Laughing)Or the ones that say I'm a _Wicked_ Witch! (More laughs)

 **Pinocchio:** Or, or, the ones that say "I'm a wooden boy." (Everyone goes silent)Well I'm not a wooden boy! (nose grows. **Shrek** stares in shock; Defensibly)I have a glandular condition.

 **Baby Bear:** At least, you're not left of your stories.

 **Jr Bear** : Yeah, they either leave _me_ out, or give me my sister's name and leave _her_ out!

 **Little Sassy Wolf** : No one cares!

 **Goldilocks:** I care!

[ **Little Sassy Wolf** roles her eyes]

 **Witch:** (Comes towards **Shrek** )Look here Ogre. I'm gonna _spell_ it out for you. We don't want us here anymore than you do. But, you're the only one, tough enough, to stand up to that no good flimflammer, Farquaad!

 **Shrek:** Tough enough, You don't even know me!

 _ **Only Hope**_

 **Elf**

I always dreamed, I'd get a happy ending.

 **Ugly Duckling**

It was foretold, in my horoscope.

 **Pinocchio**

Can't you help us out with an, everafter?

 **Fairytale Creatures**

Can't you see that you're our only hope?

( **Fairytale Creatures** surround **Shrek** )

You're our only hope.

 **Bad Wolf**

Hope.

 **Fairytale Creatures**

You're our only hope…

 **Bad Wolf**

H-o-p-e, Hope

 **Fairytale Creatures**

You're our only hope...

 **Bad Wolf**

Esperanza

 **Fairytale Creatures**

You're our only…

 **Shrek:** (cutting **Fairytale creatures** off)Ok, fine! Attention all.. fairytale things! Your welcome is officially worn out! I'm gonna see this Farquaad guy right now, and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

[ **Fairytale Creatures** cheer.]

 _ **Goodbye Song**_

 **Fairytale Creatures**

Time to say goodbye  
Time to say Farewell  
Time for you to fly  
It's been really swell  
Gosh I'm gonna cry  
Time to say goodbye

 **Shrek** : (Spoken)I'll be right back!

 **Fairytale Creatures** : Time to say vamoose

 **Shrek** : (Spoken)Don't get too comfortable

 **Fairytale creatures** : Ogre on the loose

 **Shrek** : (Spoken)And don't touch my-

[something breaks]

 **Fairytale creatures** : Time to say goodbye!

 **Baby Bear** : Don't die!

[ **Shrek** goes offstage. The Swamp disappears.]


	2. Act 1, Scene 2

[ **Shrek** comes back onstage. He's focused on a map. There's a pole with road signs.]

 **Shrek:** This can't be right. I'm all turned around! (Checks his map)Let's see, I took a right at the Candy House, passed that weird old women in the shoe, took a left at Wawa. (Looks up at the road signs)Let's see, (reads signs) Duloc, Swamp. (rechecks map)

[There's a scream, as **Donkey** falls from the tree tops.]

 **Donkey:** (Starts to get up)Watch were you're going, Mary Poppins!(Sees **Shrek** ) Don't worry, you just stay where you are, I'll be alright. (Gets up)Man, that just shows that donkeys should _not_ be climbing trees! But I had to something to shake those gones!

 **Guard #2:** (Offstage)I hear voices!

 **Donkey:** UH, oh! (To **Shrek** )Help a donkey out! (Hides behind him)

[ **Guards #1 & #2** come onstage. They scream when they see **Shrek.** ]

 **Guard #2** : Ugh, It's hideous!

 **Shrek:** That's not very nice. It's just a donkey!

 **Guard #1** : Step aside Ogre, and let us have him!

 **Shrek:** Why, what did he do?

 **Donkey:** (Fast and pleading)I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

 **Guard #1:** He's a talking donkey. A freak of Nature! As are you, unsavory Beast!

 **Shrek:** You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, you are.

 **Guard #1** : By the order of Lord Farquaad, I'm authorized to place you _both_ under arrest!

 **Shrek:** Under arrest, eh? (Roars loudly) Roooooooaaaaarrrrr!( **Guards** scream, but stay still.)This is the part where you run away. ( **Guards** run offstage)And don't come back!

 **Donkey:** Can I just say something, that was incredible! They were tripping over themselves to get away from you. I like that.

 **Shrek:** Good, why don't you celebrate your narrow escape with your friends.

 **Donkey:** But I don't have any friends.

 **Shrek:** Now there's a shock. (Looks back at his map)

 **Donkey:** Hey, are you lost or something?

 **Shrek:** No, just trying to figure out the best route to Duloc.

 **Donkey:** Puff, puff. Duloc, I know Duloc. You gotta let me show you the way, cause I'm like a GPS with fur.

 **Shrek:** I'll be fine on my own, thanks. (Starts walking away)

 **Donkey:** But no one's fine on their own. Not when you look like we do. ( **Shrek** walks away)Hey! (follows him)Man, this place is going stepford! Didn't you hear what they said? We gotta join forces! Other wise, they're gonna lock me back in a cage, and I can _not_ go back. I don't know if I mentioned it or not, but I did 6 years in solitary for impersonating a, piñata!

 **Shrek:** Roooooaaaaarrrrr!

 **Donkey:** (Not scared)Wow, that was really scary! ( **Shrek's** confused)And if that don't work, If you don't mind me saying, you're breath will certainly get the job done!

 **Shrek:** Listen! Little Donkey! Take a look at me! What am I?!

 **Donkey:** Really green and tall?

 **Shrek:** No! I'm an Ogre! You know, grab your torch and pitchforks! Doesn't that bother you?

 **Donkey:** No.

 **Shrek:** Really?

 **Donkey:** Really, really. ( **Shrek** walks off)Man, I like you, what's your name?

 **Shrek:** Shrek.

 **Donkey:** Shrek? Well, know what I like about you Shrek? You got that whole, 'I don't care what anybody thinks about me' thing. I like that. I respect that.

 **Shrek:** Oh, good. Goodbye. (starts to leave)

 _ **Don't Let Me Go**_

 **Donkey**

Hey, hey, hey! You gotta let me go with you!  
You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak!  
Well maybe you do.  
But that's why we gotta stick together!

 **Shrek**

(Spoken, angry)Donkey…

 **Donkey**  
No, no, no! Don't speak, don't speak, don't speak!

Just hear me out! I might surprise you.  
I'll be a friend, when others despise you.  
Don't roll your eyes! Stop with the mopin'.  
You need a pal! My calendar's open!

I'll bring you soup, when you feel congested.  
I'll bail you out, when you get arrested!  
I gotcha back, wha-wha-what, (Does a karate move) when things get scary.  
And I'll shave it, when it gets hairy!

Don't let me go!  
Don't let me go!  
Don't let me go!  
You need me!  
You need me!

I'll treat you right, and never get shoddy.  
If you kill a man, I'll hide the body!  
So what do you say' You're not responding...  
I think we're bonding!

Don't let me go.  
Don't let me go.  
Don't let me go!  
You need me.

You and me, we belong together.  
Like butter and grits,  
Like kibbles and bits,  
Like yin and yang,  
Sturm and Drang,  
Like Eng and Chang, attached at the hip  
But not an old lady hip that might break  
I'm gonna be on you like a fat kid on cake!

 **DONKEY** (sing-sung):  
Like Cupid and Psyche, like pop rocks and Mikey,  
we'll stick together like that Velcro stuff, I'm the fuzzy side; you'll be the spiky.  
Ooh! Like little kids and pajamas with those funny things at the bottom, you know, feeties.  
Like donuts and' oh, what goes with donuts'

(Sung)  
Donuts and diabetes!

You need me!  
You need me!

( **Guards#1 & #2** run sreaming in the far back of the stage, very close to the backdrop. **Donkey** hides behind **Shrek** )

And, I need you!  
I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you,  
I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you, I need you!  
Don't let me go, Go! Go! Don't let me g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-go!

 **Shrek:** Only, because I'm lost, you can come.

 **Donkey:** Yippe!

 **Shrek:** But on one condition. You keep the jabbering to a minimal.

 **Donkey:** Gotcha, no jabbering! Man, you won't regret this.

 **Shrek:** Too late.

 **Donkey:** Now, that's what I'm talking about! Shrek and Donkey, two star crossed friends off on a whorl wind, big city adventure! This'll be great! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!

[They leave]


	3. Act 1, Scene 3

Inside **Farquaad's** castle. **Guards #6-12** enter.

 _ **Regiment #1**_

 **Guards #6-12**  
Farquaad is on his way.  
He's on his way!  
He is nearly here,  
He's down the hall, getting close, he is just outside!

Behind the door,  
He is on, his, way.  
Here he is,  
right here.

[ **Farquaad** enters. He's either a short guy, or a regular guy on his knees.]

 **Farquaad:** Falonious, I'm ready. Bring in, The Cookie!

[ **Gingy** enters. He's stuck on a baking sheet and screaming.]

 **Gingy:** Ahhh! Oh, no! It's you!

 **Farquaad:** Haha! _"Run, run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!" Haha!_

 **Gingy:** Look at what you've done to my legs! You're a monster!

 **Farquaad:** I'm not the monster here, you are! You and the rest of that fairytale trash, poisoning my perfect world! I know I haven't gotten them all, so tell me, who's hiding them.

 **Gingy:** I can't!

 **Farquaad:** You must!

 **Gingy:** Eat me! (Spits at **Farquaad** )

[ **Guards #6-12** surround **Gingy** , but **Faequaad** stops them from hurting him.]

 **Farquaad:** (To **Gingy** )I've tried to be fair to you Creatures. Now my pataince has reached it's end! Tell me, or I'll… (puts fingers on a gumdrop button)

 **Gingy:** (Screams)No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!

 **Farquaad:** Alright, then, tell me.

 **Gingy:** Ok! I'll tell you. Do you know, the Muffin Man?

 **Farquaad:** Yes, I know the Muffin Man, who lives on Drewy Lane?

 **Gingy:** Well, she's married to, the Muffin Man.

 **Farquaad:** The Muffin Man?

 **Gingy:** (Screams)The Muffin Man!

 **Farquaad:** She's married to the Muffin Man!

[ **Guards #1-5** run in]

 **Guard #1** : Milord, we've searched the land tirelessly! And finally have found the one treasure, you most seek!

 **Farquaad:** (Looks surprised. Hopeful)A pretty pony?

 **Guard #1** : No, it's the Magic Mirror, sire.

 **Farquaad:** Well, what are you waiting for? Bring it in! And take that cookie, to the swamp!

 **Gingy:** (Gets pulled away)A swamp's no place for a baked good! They're horrible!

[The **Magic Mirror** appears. He's either an actor behind a thing of framed glass, plexi-glass or plastic with a projection being displayed, that's possibly green screened.]

 **Farquaad:** Mirror, mirror on the wall, Is this not the perfect kingdom of them all.

 **Mirror:** Duloc's a wondrous land, but, technically, you're not a king.

 **Farquaad:** Ah, Falonious?( **Falonious** breaks a hand mirror. **Mirror** looks scared.)You were saying?

 **Mirror:** What I mean is, your not a king, yet. All you have to do is marry a princess.

 **Farquaad:** Go on.

 **Mirror:** So, just sit back and relax milord, it's time for you to play Duloc's fastest growing date show sensation, "This is your wife!"

[Game show music plays]

 **Farquaad:** Oh, yay!

 **Mirror:** Now, let's meet today's eligible bachelorettes! Bachelorette #1 is a mentally abused shut in from a kingdom, far, far away. She likes sushi and hottubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil step sisters. Please welcome, Cinderella!

 **Farquaad:** Oh, I like the broom!

 **Mirror:** Bachelorette #2 is a cape wearing girl from a land of fancy. Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not esay. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is! Come on, give it up for Snow White!

 **Farquaad:** Oh, she's in tuber ware.

 **Mirror:** Bachelorette #3, lives in a dragon guarded castle surrounded by hot, boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She likes piña-colattas and getting caught in the rain, yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! So, will it be Bachelorette #1, Bachelorette #2, or Bachelorette #3?!

 **Farquaad:** Oh, there all so nice! Boys, what do you say?

[ **Guards** shout their suggestions.]

 **Falonious:** (Shouts loudly)#3, milord!

 **Farquaad:** Bachelorette #3!

 **Mirror:** Lord Farquaad, you've chosen, Princess Fiona!

[Game show music ends dramatically]

 **Farquaad:** Princess Fiona! She's perfect! Except for that whole, dragon and lava thing. I'll have to find someone else to go.

 **Mirror:** Milord, I should mention this little thing that happens at night.

 **Farquaad:** Silence! I will make Fiona my Queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect King!

 **Mirror:** Yes, but after sun set,

 **Farquaad:** Silence! Captain! Round up your men, and summon the citizens. Falonious, tell the royal coiffure I'll need my hair pressed. We're gonna get a queen!

[ **Farquaad** exits with **Falonious** and some **Guards** ]

 **Mirror:** (Call after him)But, you didn't even look at my special features! (To remaining **Guards** )Check it out. I've got extras! (projection changes to a DVD pic menu)Fiona's portrait gallery, the story of the curse. Wanna know more? Just click on "Backstory" and you'll get to see the Princess when she was 7 years old! (room darkens, the mirror is the only thing illuminated. Fiona's tower comes closer till **Mirror** disappears and Tower becomes center stage.)


	4. Act 1, Scene 4

[Fiona's tower is center stage.]

 **YOUNG FIONA,**  
(Spoken)  
Settle in girls. It's story time!

(Sung)  
There's a princess  
In a tower  
Oh my gosh, that's just like me  
Poor Rapunzel  
Needs a haircut  
But the witch won't set her free  
She passes time by singing  
Like someone else I know  
As years go by she sits and waits?  
As years go by' Uh oh  
A torturous existence  
I don't remember this part!  
She wishes she were dead  
Skip ahead skip ahead!  
But in the end Rapunzel finds a millionaire  
The prince is good at climbing and braiding golden hair!

So I know, he'll appear  
Cause there are rules and there are strictures  
I believe the storybooks I read by candlelight  
My white knight, and his steed  
Will look just like these pictures!  
It won't be long now, I guarantee!  
Day number 23.  
I know its today  
I know its today

[ **Young Fiona** exits. **Teen Fiona** enters.]

 **TEENSAGE FIONA** :  
(Spoken)  
Oh here's a good one! It's a classic!

(Sung)  
There's a princess  
In a coma  
Glad its her instead of me.  
Pretty maiden  
In a glass box  
How I wonder does she pee?  
Blah blah blah, poison apple  
Boring boring evil queen  
Filler filler, been there, read that!  
Seven shorties on the scene.  
Skip ahead, skip ahead'  
But in the end the princess wakes up with a start  
The prince is good at kissing  
And melting Snow White's heart!

So I know, he'll appear  
And his armor will be blinding!  
As shining as his perfect teeth and manly hose  
He'll propose  
On one knee  
And our prenupt will be binding!  
About time we set the wedding date!  
Day number ten-hundred, and ninety-eight.  
I know it's today.  
He'll show up today... (Exits)

 **FIONA** :  
(Enters) ...ay...  
There's a princess  
Any princess  
Take your pick, they're all like me  
Not exactly, I'm still waiting  
they're living happily  
Ever after better get here  
I want love in seconds flat  
No one needs these middle bits  
Oops, did I do that'

Cut the villains, cut the vamping  
Cut this fairytale  
Cut the peril and the pitfalls  
Cut the puppet and the whale  
Cut the monsters, cut the curses  
Keep the intro, cut the verses  
And the waiting, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting  
The waiting!

But I know, he'll appear  
Though I seem a bit bipolar  
And I'm a vandal now as well, though he won't mind  
I'm a find, I'm a catch  
And a very gifted bowler!  
It won't be long now, I guarantee!  
Day number'

Are you there God?  
It's me Fiona

[ **Young & Teen Fionas **enter]

 **ALL FIONAS** :  
It's me Fiona!

Now I know, he'll appear  
Cause there are rules and there are strictures  
I believe the storybooks I read by candlelight  
My white knight, my knight and his steed  
Will look just like these pictures!  
It won't be long now, I guarantee!

 **YOUNG FIONA**  
Day number 23…(holds last note until **Teen Fiona** sings ' _ninety'_ )

TEENAGE FIONA  
(While **Young Fiona** sings ' _three'_ )Day number ten ninety-eight…(holds last note until **Fiona** sings _num_ )

FIONA:  
(While **Teen Fiona** sings _eight._ Sad) Day number 7 thousand, 4 hundred and 23.

 **YOUNG FIONA**  
I know its today, ( _sings after_ **Teen Fiona** _sings 'I know'_ ) _oooo_ …(Holds last 4 notes)

 **TEENAGE FIONA**  
I know its ( _sings after_ **Fiona** _sings 'I'_ ) _today_ , oooo

[ **Fionas** overlap each other]

 **FIONA** ,  
I know its today, oooo

 **YOUNG FIONA  
** I know its today, oooo

 **TEENAGE FIONA**  
I know its today, oooo

 **FIONA** ,  
I Know it's today

 **ALL FIONAS** ,  
(Together) I know it's today!

[ **Young & Teen Fiona** exit. **Adult Fiona** sits down as her tower disappears.]


	5. Act 1, Scene 5

[Outside **Farquaad's** castle]

 **Donkey:** Ok, now the rules are very simple. Who ever spots a horse and carriage along the road… (Sees something)Punch Buggy! (Punches **Shrek** )

 **Shrek:** Ouch.

 **Donkey:** (Happily)Ha ha ha. Fun, right!

 **Shrek:** No! What kind of insane game is that?

 **Donkey:** Haven't you ever been on a road trip before?

 **Shrek:** No.

 **Donkey:** Man, you need to get out more, cause, (Sees something)Puncha Buggy! Ha ha ha, I got you! I got you with that wagon full of hay over there. (points)

 **Shrek:** Donkey, if you do that one more time…

 **Donkey:** (Cutting **Shrek** off)That's another reason you need me around. Who else is going to fill you in on all the fun stuff you missed out on! ( **Shrek** sees something)You may not know it but you are…

 **Shrek:** Punch Buggy!(Punches **Donkey** hard in the arm)Mutton Cart at 3 o'clock! Ha ha.

 **Donkey:** Mother Hubbard that hurt!

 **Shrek:** You're right that was pretty fun! Shall we play again?

 **Donkey:** No! That's ok you win! Maybe we should move onto I-Spy, or I went on a Picnic, or something that's not gonna put me in a body cast!

 **Shrek:** Donkey look! (points to castle)There's Lord Farquaad's castle!

 **Donkey:** Didn't I tell you I'd find it?

 **Shrek:** It's a bit much, isn't it? Do you think he might be confiscating for something? ( **Donkey** looks confused)Oh, forget it!

[ **Walter,** a **Dulocen** wearing a huge **Farquaad** head, enters]

 **Walter:** Welcome to the Celebrate Duloc Festival! The Show's about to begin!

 **Shrek:** Hey, hey you!

 **Walter:** (Screams)Ogre! No! (panics and runs)

 **Shrek:** I'm not gonna eat you! I just want to ask…

[ **Walter** runs into something and falls]

 **Walter:** (Cries)Oh my gosh! Why! (Goes off stage)

 **Shrek:** This place is weird! Let's just find this Farquaad guy, and get out of here! (Starts to leave

 **Donkey:** Oh! I want to stop by the gift shop and get a tee shirt!

 **Shrek:** We're not stopping for tee shirts!

[They exit. The **Duloc Dancers** appear.]

 _ **Welcome to Duloc**_

 **Performers**  
Welcome to duloc,  
Such a perfect town.  
Here we have some rules,  
Let us lay them down.  
Don't make waves, stay in line,  
And we'll get along fine.  
Duloc is a perfect place.

Please keep off the grass  
Shine your shoes, wipe your'face.  
Duloc is, duloc is, duloc is a perfect place.

 **Miss Duloc**  
And here's the man who made it happen!  
That towering colossus of moxie!  
Looooooooord Farquaad!

(Lord Farquaad appears on a central balcony a la evita. Turns around and feigns surprise.)

 **Farquaad**  
Oh, it's you! What a terrific surprise.  
(sings)  
Once upon a time  
This place was infested.  
Freaks on every corner-  
I had them all arrested  
Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no

If you had a quirk, you didn't pass inspection.  
We all have our standards,  
But i will have perfection.  
And sooooo'  
And sooooo'

(Goes down into tower and re-enters through it's door(s))

Things are looking up here in duloc.

 **Performers**  
Just take a look!

 **Farquaad**  
The things i'm cooking up here in duloc.

 **Performers**  
He likes to cook!

 **Farquaad**  
A model that amazes.  
A plan with seven phases.

 **Performers**  
Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum

 **Farquaad**  
Things are looking up here in duloc

 **Performers**  
They're looking up!

 **Farquaad**  
In duloc!  
The ladies all look swell.

 **Performers**  
Ahhhh'

 **Farquaad**  
The men are so dashing.

 **Performers**  
Ahhh'

 **Farquaad**  
Thanks to my new dress code, the fashion's never clasing.

 **Performers**  
The fashion's never clashing.

 **Farquaad**  
Hey nonny-nonny-nonny-no.  
This castle i had built

 **Performers**  
Farquaad'farquaad'farquaad

 **Farquaad**  
Is taller than the cliff-tops.

 **Performers**  
Farquaad'farquaad'farquaad

 **Farquaad**  
A city like a postcard-

 **Performers**  
Farquaad'farquaad'farquaad

 **Farquaad**  
A monorail and gift shops!  
And so

 **Performers**  
And so

 **Farquaad**  
And so

 **Performers**  
And so'

(More **Duloc Dancers** come onstage)

 **Farquaad**  
And so'  
No one from the gutter in duloc.

 **Performers**  
He's takin' aim!

 **Farquaad**  
Embrace the cookie cutter in duloc.

 **Performers**  
We're all the same!

 **Farquaad**  
The upshot is enormous  
When you can shout?

 **Performers**  
'conform us!'

 **Farquaad**  
Yes! Things are

 **Performers**  
Things are looking up

 **Farquaad**  
Looking'

 **Performers**  
Things are looking up'

 **Farquaad**  
Uuuuup'

 **Performers**  
Things are looking up'

 **Farquaad**  
Here in duloc.

(Spoken)  
Hey, let's hear it for those duloc dancers!  
Aren't they terrific'!

(Big and ridiculous dance-break, where **Farquaad** is lifted into the air.)

 **Farquaad**  
There's no sign of slowing!  
We're growing! We're growing!

 **Performers**  
Look, he's growing!  
And growing!  
And growing!  
Look at him groooow!

( **Farquaad's** castle gets taller)

 **Farquaad**  
Things! Are looking up here-

 **Performers**  
We practiced this part both forward and back.  
We make one mistake, and we get the rack!

 **Farquaad**  
Things! I'm cooking up here-

 **Performers**  
He taught us to dance with razzamatazz!  
He's trained in ballet, flamenco and jazz!

 **Farquaad**  
My hard work, and my rigor,  
Have made me so much bigger!  
Things are looking uuuuup'

 **Performers**  
Things are looking uuuuup'

 **Farquaad**  
Things are looking uuuuup'  
Here in duloc!

 **Performers**  
Ah-ah-ah-ah!

 **Farquaad**  
Here in duloc!

 **Performers**  
Ah-ah-ah-ah!  
Up'up'  
Up'up'  
Uuuuuuuuup!

 **Farquaad:** (Trumpet flourish)And now good people of Duloc! The moment you've all been waiting for! The raffle drawing that will determine who will go recue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the Dragon! ( **Shrek & Donkey** enter. **Donkey** has clearly been to the Gift Shop)Spin that barrel!

 **Shrek:** Excuse me!

[ **Dulocons** scream. **Shrek** tries to calm them, but fails.]

 **Farquaad:** No! Don't leave me! No!

[ **Dulocons** run away]

 **Shrek:** Hey! Are you Lord Farquaad?

 **Farquaad:** Maybe. Does the name strike fear into your heart?

 **Shrek:** No, but that little hat does.

 **Farquaad:** Who let this monster in here?

 **Shrek:** Look, I'll be out of your silky hair as soon as you give me my swamp back!

 **Farquaad:** Your swamp?

 **Shrek:** Yes, my swamp where you dumped all those Fairytale Creatures!

 **Farquaad:** Newsflash Ogre! That oozing mud pit is actually within the providence of Duloc. And Therefore, under my derestriction.

 **Shrek:** Look here, half pint!

 **Farquaad:** (Childish)Wait a minute!(Realizes something)Wait, a, minute. This is too perfect!

 **Shrek:** What is?

 **Farquaad:** You! You're big, and hulking, and wonderfully extendable! People of Duloc, we have our champion! (raises arms so audience can cheer, but quickly lowers them)Congratulations, Ogre. You've won the honor of going on a brave and noble quest!

 **Donkey:** Uh, we're already on a quest.

 **Shrek:** (angry)To get my swamp back!

 **Farquaad:** Yes, and you've nearly accomplished it. All you have to do is one more, simple, little task and I'll give you, your swamp back. You'll have the deed and everything!

 **Shrek:** And what exactly is this _little_ task.

 **Farquaad:** (A little scared)Just, this, relative that needs to be picked up. (More confident)Oh, Miss Duloc! ( **Miss Duloc** enters)Fill them in and show them out!

 **Miss Duloc:** Yes, sir! (She leads them offstage)

 _ **Duloc Reprise**_

 **Farquaad**

(Spoken) (To audience)My people, your Queen is on her way! (Sung)Things are looking up! (Goes inside castle)

 **Preformers**

Things are looking up!

[ **Farquaad** appears at top of castle]

 **Farquaad**

Things are looking up, here in Duloc!

 **Preformers**

Here in Duloc…

 **Farquaad**

And no-one's gonna bring, me, down! Ah ah ah ah ah!_


	6. Act 1, Scene 6

[ **Shrek & Donkey** enter stage, they keep walking. **Shrek** is eating an onion.]

 **Donkey:** Little task, my hoof! Rescue a Princess, fight a Dragon, man we got jacked!

 **Shrek:** We? I don't remember inviting a donkey on this leg of the journey.

 **Donkey:** I don't get it Shrek. Why didn't you just _make_ Farquaad give you your swamp back! You, know do some of that Ogre stuff on him, throttle him or, lay siege to his fortress.

 **Shrek:** (Taking offence)For your information, there's a lot more to Ogres than people, and apparently Donkeys, think.

 **Donkey:** (Not noticing the hint)Example?

 **Shrek:** Example? Ok, Ogres are like onions. (Shows **Donkey** his opened onion)

 **Donkey:** They stink.

 **Shrek:** (Not realizing **Donkey** said the wrong answer)Yes, (Realizing)no!

 **Donkey:** They make you cry!

 **Shrek:** No!

 **Donkey:** Oh! If you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and sprout little white hairs!

 **Shrek:** (Frustrated)No! Layers! Onions have layers. (calms down)Ogres have layers. ( **Donkey** doesn't get it) Onions have, (Gives up)Oh, you get it! We both have _layers_.

 **Donkey:** (Kinda gets it)Oh, you both got layers. You know, not everybody likes onions. (Has an idea)Parfaits! Everybody likes parfaits! Have you ever met a person say, "Hey let's get some parfaits." And they be like, "Hell no! I don't like parfaits!" (Pauses)Parfaits are delicious.

 **Shrek:** (Yells, frustrated)I don't care! Ogres are not like parfaits!

 **Donkey:** Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on this whole dam planet.

 _ **Travel Song**_

 **Shrek**  
(spoken)  
You know, this may turn into the longest day of my entire life

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
Oo! I got the perfect remedy for that!

 **Shrek**  
(spoken)  
Donkey please no. I am begging you-

 **Donkey**  
(Ignoring **Shrek** )Sing a song  
Yes a travel song  
when you gotta go somewhere  
'Cause the fun is getting there.  
Yeah. Oh what the heck, I must confess  
I love a road trip!

Sing a song.  
Hit the trail.  
Forget the maps. Forget the guides.  
Before ya know it, you've made strides with me.

And I know - all I need - all along  
is a path - and a pal - and a song,  
so I'm singin',  
and I'm pallin' with you,  
(spoken)  
See? It makes the time go by faster!

 **Shrek**  
(sings)  
Why me?  
Why me?

 **Donkey**  
This is nice.

 **Shrek**  
Tell me what was my crime?

 **Donkey**  
We are strolling  
(sees Puss in Boots walking by.)

 **Shrek**  
He's as chatty as a parrot.  
More annoying than a mime.

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Hey, look, a cat who's wearing boots!  
That's crazy!

 **Shrek**  
Why me?  
Why me?  
A simple answer would be fine

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)This is good cardio

 **Shrek**  
Won't someone please  
send me a sign?

 **Donkey**  
(Sees a sign)Oh look, a sign! Yunita Pal Avenue straight ahead!

 **Shrek**  
What did I do to deserve this?  
Honestly  
This ass 'o mine is asinine  
WHY ME?!

[ **Bunny** enters.]

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Aww, do you see that little bunny?

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Aye, and he looks delicious!

 **Bunny**  
(Screamed)  
Oh, an Ogre! Ahh! (runs offstage)

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Oh! (Laughs)

["Sunset"]

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
What's so funny?

["Moonrise"]

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
I just got that whole, "He must be compensating for something" joke!

[ **Shrek** groans. **Cow** jumps over moon. **Dish & Spoon **enter, back of the stage, running & arguing. "Sunrise". **Gazelle** enters, near the back of the stage.]

 **Gazelle**  
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba  
There is a green man, and a donkey.

[ **Gazelle** exits.]

 **Donkey**  
Oh man, what could be better than this?!

[ **Shrek & Donkey **sing over each other]

 **Shrek**  
Why me?  
Why me?  
A simple answer would be fine  
Won't somebody please send me a sign?

 **Donkey**  
Sing a song!  
Hit the road!  
It's the way  
to get around!  
Before ya know it, you've  
gained ground with me!

 **Shrek**  
What did I do to deserve this?  
Honestly...

 **Donkey**  
And I know  
All I need  
All along is a path  
and a pal  
and a song

 **Shrek**  
This ass 'o mine  
is asinine

 **Donkey**  
So, I'm singin'...  
and I'm pallin'...

 **Shrek**  
Why am I…

 **Shrek & Donkey**  
with you-  
oo-oo-oo-oo...

[The bridge to the Dragon's Keep appears. **Shrek** notices.]

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Aw, finally, the bridge to the Dragon's keep. (Climbs up)Let's go!

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
(Nervously)Uh, Shrek? Remember when you said Ogres have layers?

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Aye.

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Well, Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights!

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable walking on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Just don't think about it, and _whatever_ you do, _DON'T_ look down.

[They walk, then **Donkey** suddenly looks down]

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken, panicky)  
I'm looking down, Shrek! I'm looking down!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Just take a step!

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken, scared)  
I can't! I'm frozen with terror!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Donkey, just look into my eyes and take my hand!

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken, scared)  
I can… (looks into **Shrek's** eyes and calms down)

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Now walk!

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Ok, but,  
(Sung)Don't let me go.  
Don't let me go.

 **Shrek**  
I won't let you go,  
I won't let you go.

[They slowly walk across the bridge.]

 **Donkey**  
What did I do  
to deserve you, my pal evermore?  
We've crossed crossed a bridge together,  
What a beautiful metaphore._

[ **Shrek & Donkey **sing over each other]

 **Shrek**  
Why me?  
Why me?  
Why me?...

 **Donkey**  
I'm singin'  
and I'm pallin'  
and I'm travlin'

 **Shrek & Donkey**  
with you-  
oo-oo-oo-oo...

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
That'll do Donkey, that'll do.


	7. Act 1, Scene 7

[ **Shrek & Donkey** enter the castle. **Donkey** smells something.]

 **Donkey:** PU! Shrek, was that you?! Man you better warn somebody before you just crack one off! My mouth was open and everything!

 **Shrek:** Believe me Donkey. If it was me, you'd be dead. (Sniffs)It's brimstone.

 **Donkey:** Yeah, right, Brimstone! I know what I smelled and it wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come from no stone neither!

[ **Shrek** sees a helmet.]

 **Shrek:** Hey this will come in handy! (Picks it up)Hope it's fire proof! (To **Donkey** )you wait here and wait till I get back.(Starts to go offstage.)

 **Donkey:** Wait you mean, by myself?

 **Shrek:** Unless you'd rather slay the Dragon and rescue the Princess?

 **Donkey:** Uh, no, you go ahead. Waiting's fine, I'll just stay here and twiddle my hooves. (Twiddles hooves)

 **Shrek:** Just don't get into any trouble! (Leaves)

 **Donkey:** (Calls after **Shrek** )Hurry back! (To himself)Man! This place is creepy!

 **Knight #1:** You don't know the half of it! ( **Donkey** screams.) Sorry.

 **Knight #2:** Hey, a new guy!

 **Knight #3:** We've haven't had a new guy in a while!

 **Donkey:** (Yells)Shrek! Come back! There's people here, and they got long beards!

 **Knight #1:** Quiet! You don't want to wake her up!

 **Knight #4** : She gets really angry.

 **Donkey:** What are you talking about? And who are you people!

 **All Knights:** We're knights!

 **Knight #3:** We came to rescue the Princess.

 **Knight #2** : But none of us made it.

 **Knight #1:** But we're the lucky ones.

 **Knight #2** : Yeah, (Points to skeletons)the rest she incinerated!

 **Knight #3:** She only keeps us around because,

 **All knights:** We sing backup!

 **Donkey:** What!

 **Knight #4:** Backup!

[ **Donkey** gets scared]

 **Knight #2:** And because, her cosines, well, they like being _friendly_ with us.

 **Donkey:** I'm getting out of here! (Starts running around)

 _ **Forever**_

 **Knights**  
(spoken)  
That's what we thought.

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh!

 **Knights**  
(spoken)  
That's what we did.

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
(Screams)Dragon!

 **Knights**  
(spoken)  
That's what we said.

[ **Dragon** enters. She's either a puppet or an actress that's dressed like a _DRAGON_ ( _not_ some girl in a fancy dress)]

 **Dragon**  
Another day inside my keep  
I get no rest, I get no sleep  
'cause when I start to count my sheep  
You come around

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
I-I'll just come back a little later than, okay?

 **Dragon**  
I draw my shades and lock my doors  
Still you come for what ain't yours  
Like a hound dog on all fours  
You sniff around and around and around

You're gonna stay  
You're gonna stay  
You're gonna stay  
Forever  
Forever

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
I wish I could stay but forever sounds like a long time, and uh I got a hair appointment.

 **Dragon(Knights & Dragonettes)[Donkey]** **  
**Another knight, another name (Another name)  
but all in all you're all the same (You're all the same)  
Foolish moth, you want flame  
that you fly around  
The Siren calls you from her keep (ooooo, woo woo)  
That pretty girl, that perfect peach (ooooo, woo woo)  
She is always out of reach (ooooo, no)  
but I am around and around and around

You're gonna stay (You're gonna stay)  
You're gonna stay (You're gonna stay)  
You're gonna stay  
[Hey not so close, now watch my tail]  
Forever (Forever)  
Forever

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
You've got some real boundary issues you know that?

 **Dragon** **  
**You think I like this job?  
I'm a glorified babysitter (baby, babysitter)  
no one comes to rescue me  
So yeah, I'm a little bitter  
I'm not princess, no great beauty  
No one ever, ever, ever, ever wants me  
(You made her mad)  
Rescue me  
(You're gonna die)  
Come on baby and rescue me  
(Don't even try to come around round and round round and round round and round)  
Oh round and around and around and around and around and around and around and around

 **Donkey**  
(spoken)  
Wait a minute now hold on, now I've got something to say here.  
First of all, I am not a Knight, I'm a donkey.  
And if you don't know that by now you nee to get your eyes checked.  
Secondly, that princess is not even my type, you know why?

 **Donkey**  
I like a big, big girl  
I like a big, big girl

(Spoken)  
Help me out boys

 **Knights**  
He likes a big, big girl  
He likes a big, big girl

 **Donkey**  
And as for you, I think you're bluffin'  
Stompin' around all huffin' and puffin'  
You want to love stop with the hatin'  
(Unchain your heart)  
He's out there waiting  
(He likes a big, big girl)  
(He likes a big, big girl)

(Spoken)  
Well I hope you learned something valuable today  
Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way.

 **Dragon** won let him go. Her eyes flutter.

What's wrong with you, you got something in your eye?

 **Dragon**  
I'm no princess, still he wants me

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Wait, what?

 **Dragon**  
No great beauty, but he wants me

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
I didn't mean me personally.

 **Dragon**  
No one ever, ever, ever, ever wanted me  
so

You're gonna stay  
You're gonna stay  
You're gonna stay  
Forever

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Let's not rush things.

 **Dragon**  
I'm gonna love you Forever  
You're gonna stay with me  
Forever more  
You're gonna love  
Me

[ **Dragon** has a sad looking **Donkey** trapped.]


	8. Act 1, Scene 8

[Fiona's Tower. **Fiona** is holding a Mini Magic Mirror, looking frustrated.]

 **Fiona:** (Desperate)C'mon, work!

 **Mirror Phone:** I'm sorry, you have used up this month's availability.

 **Fiona:** It's only the 3rd of the month.

 **Mirror Phone:** Doesn't matter.

 **Fiona:** Stupid mirror! (Starts singing an acapella version of _I know it's today_ in her untidy room.)

 **Shrek:** (Offstage, cutting Fiona off, yelling)Hello! ( **Fiona** looks for him)Anybody up there! ( **Fiona** gets excited)Shouldn't you toss down some hair or something? ( **Fiona** cleans up. A thump is heard, followed by **Shrek** groaning)Man! I should've worn my cup!(Fiona lays on her bed, pretending to be asleep. **Shrek** appears, and sees **Fiona,** and is disappointed)Great, I got one of the snoozers! (Shakes her)Wake up! Are you Princess Fiona?

 **Fiona:** (Excitedly)I am! Waiting a knight so bold as to rescue me!

 **Shrek:** That's great! Let's go!

 **Fiona:** Wait, holdest on Sir Knight! I've long awaited this day. And I like to first know the name of my champion!

 **Shrek:** Shrek.

 **Fiona:** Sir Shrek! I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude! (Hands him a hankie)

 **Shrek:** Uh, thanks. (Uses it to wipe some dirt and sweat from his body, then puts it back)Now, where's the door?

 **Fiona:** There is no door.

 **Shrek:** No door! Then do we get down?

 **Fiona:** The same way you got up!

 **Shrek:** (Looks down)The same way…no, no. I just climbed, (sighs)alright, let's go! (attempts to pull her)

 _ **This how a dream comes true**_

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
But, wait Sir knight! Don't you want to savor this moment! This best our first meeting, it must be a wonderful, romantic scene!

(Music starts)

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Geez, I'm like a crack pot magnet!

 **Fiona**  
This is how a dream comes true  
This is how I pictured you  
Climbing in to rescue me  
This was always meant to be

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
That's lovely. Now, let's go!

( **Fiona** won't go)

 **Fiona**  
This is how the scene must go  
You standing (She moves him) there, the light just so  
Then you smile and gaze at me  
Take my hand on bended knee  
Bended knee, bended knee (forces **Shrek** down)

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Ow!

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Sorry.

(Sung)  
And though we've only met  
Somehow I always knew  
It would look like this  
When dreams come true

 **[Fiona** attempts to kiss **Shrek.]**

 **Donkey**  
(yelled, offstage)  
Shrek!

[ **Shrek** picks up **Fiona** and carries her]

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Hey what are you doing?

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Well, I have to save my ass.

[They exit. Scene changes to the Dragon's keep]

 **Fiona**  
Wait, sir knight, slow down a bit  
Shut-in girls are delicate  
I longed for this my whole life long  
Now you're doing it all wrong

Down a rope, a steed awaits  
That's what every story sates  
Riding over ruff terrain  
Pass the dragon you have slain  
( **Shrek** pauses)You have slain, you have slain?

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
It's on my to-do list.

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
What?!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Donkey!

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Shrek!

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
He talks?

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Yeah, it's getting him to shut-up is the trick.

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Oh. (They run) Dragon!

 **Shrek, Donkey & Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Ahhh!

[ **Shrek & Donkey **fight **Dragon** ]

 **Fiona**  
Just relax and take a breath.  
Hope he doesn't burn to death.  
Never mind the protocol,  
He's your hero after all.

Tra-la-la-la-la,  
what's past is past.  
Tra-la-la-la-la  
I'm free at last!

In the end, remember  
All your dreams come true

Say your affirmations  
And love will come to you  
My champion, my savior, my dashing Romeo  
He has a talking Donkey, that part I didn't know.

Wait a minute, look;  
It's just like in the book.  
They're fighting over me,  
Like it's meant to be.

No more tower in the sky,  
Slay that dragon and goodbye  
(Spoken)Oh my God, we're gonna die

 **Dragon**  
Ah_.

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Get back!

[ **Dragon** gets trapped in her castle.]

 **Dragon**  
I'm gonna love you,  
Forever.

 **[Shrek, Fiona & Donkey** escape from the castle.]


	9. Act 1, Scene 9

[Outside the castle, on a wide ledge. Enter **Fiona, Shrek & Donkey.**]

 _ **This is How A Dream Comes True Reprise**_

 **Fiona** **  
**This is how I pictured it  
More or less I must admit  
A pumping in my heart  
A life about to start

I knew this day would come  
And you would find your way  
At last my dream comes true  
I knew, I knew, I knew it would be today!

 **Fiona:** You did it! You did it! You did it! You're amazing, you're wonderful! (Sees **Shrek** panting)You're a little unorthodox I'll admit. But, thine deed is great, and mine heart is pure! I'm eternally in your debt.

 **Donkey:** Uh hem!

 **Fiona:** (to **Donkey** )And where would a brave knight be, without his noble steed!

 **Donkey:** (Laughs with happiness.)Alright! (To **Shrek** )I hope you herd that! She called me a noble steed! She thinks I'm a steed!

 **Fiona:** Well, Sir Shrek, the battle is won! You may remove your helmet!

 **Shrek:** Uh, no.

 **Fiona:** Why not?

 **Shrek:** I have helmet hair.

 **Fiona:** Please, I wish to look upon the face of my rescuer!

 **Shrek:** Oh, no you wouldn'tst

 **Fiona:** But, how will you kiss me?

 **Shrek:** (Shocked)What! That wasn't in the job description!

 **Donkey:** Maybe it's a perk!

 **Fiona:** No, it's destiny. A Princess is rescued by a brave knight, and they share, true love's first kiss.

 **Donkey:** With Shrek? You think that Shrek is your true love?

 **Fiona:** Why, yes.

 **Donkey:** Wa, wah!

[ **Shrek & Donkey** laugh.]

 **Fiona:** What's so funny?

 **Shrek:** Let's just say, I'm not your type.

 **Fiona:** Of course you are, you're my rescuer. Now, remove your helmet.

 **Shrek:** Look, I don't think that's a good idea.

 **Fiona:** Just take off the helmet.

 **Shrek:** I'm not going to.

 **Fiona:** (Demanding)Take it off!

 **Shrek:** No!

 **Fiona:** (Loud and intimidating)Now!

 **Shrek:** (A little scared)Very well. As you command, You're Highness. (Takes off his helmet.)

 **Fiona:** (Shocked)You're, an ogre.

 **Shrek:** Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?

 **Fiona:** Yes, actually.

[ **Fairy** enters]

 **Fairy:** Aw fuhgeddaboudhim. Charming's nothing but a spoiled brat who should be in jail.

 **Donkey:** Who are you?

 **Fairy:** (Creepy)You'll never know.

[ **Fairy** creepily exits]

 **Shrek:** Well that was weird.

 **Fiona:** Oh, this is all wrong! I'm supposed to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre, and his pet!

 **Donkey:** So much for noble steed!

 **Fiona:** You're not supposed to be an ogre!

 **Shrek:** Look, Princess, I was sent to rescue you, by Lord Farquaad, alright? He's the one who wants to marry you!

 **Fiona:** Well, why didn't he come rescue me?

 **Shrek:** Good question. You should ask him that when we get there, tomorrow!

 **Fiona:** (Panicky)Tomorrow? Oh my gosh, it's almost sunset!

 **Shrek:** So?

 **Fiona:** It's late. We need to make camp.

 **Shrek:** (In disbelief)Camp! But you've just escaped!

 **Fiona:** Yes, and I found the whole ordeal to be quite exhausting! I need to rest immediately.

 **Shrek:** Well, that's unfortunate, because we're gonna keep going.

 **Fiona:** (Intimidating)I need somewhere to camp, right now!

 **Shrek:** Very well. There's a cave, right over there. (Points offstage)

 **Donkey:** Oh, Shrek. That's no place for a princess!

 **Fiona:** No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. (Goes to a tree.)

 **Shrek:** Homey touches? Like what?

 **Fiona:** (Rips off a large piece of bark)Like, a door? (Goes towards the cave)Well, gentlemen, I bid thee goodnight. (Goes offstage)

 **Donkey:** (Calls after her)You want me to read you a bedtime story? Cause I will!

 **Fiona:** (Offstage, yelling)I said Goodnight!

 **Donkey:** She seems nice.

[Stage darkens. _Transformation_ music plays.]

 **Recorded Female voice** : By day, one way, By night, another. This shall be the norm, until you find true love's first kiss, then take love's true form.

[ **Shrek & Donkey** sit together, talking]

 **Donkey:** And this is what I realized, if we escaped a dragon, man, we can do anything! Man, I could be a steed! I could even work the crusade circuit if I wanted too! I could even be one of those horses who pull those wagons full of beer! (Pauses)I'd probably have to get some hair extensions on my ankles, but I could do it! Who do you want to be?

 **Shrek:** I don't want to be anybody!

 **Donkey:** Just for fun though, who'd you pick?

 **Shrek:** I wouldn't pick anyone!

 **Donkey:** But what if you had to?

 **Shrek:** Donkey.

 **Donkey:** Like, what if a guy had a sword at your throat, and was like, 'Yo! You can't be an ogre anymore! Pick something else!' Then who would you pick?

 **Shrek:** I'd pick that guy up and hurl him into a tree!

 **Donkey:** Man, you are no fun at all. You know that? Is this how it's gonna be like when we're done rescuing the Princess? Us just, sitting around our swamp all day, doing nothing?

 **Shrek:** (In disbelief)Our swamp? There's no our, there's no we, just me and my swamp.

 **Donkey:** You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. What's your problem anyway? What do you have against the whole world anyway?

 **Shrek:** I'm not the one with the problem, ok! It's the _world_ , that seems to have a problem with me! You saw how that princess reacted, that's how it always is! People take one look at me, and go, 'Ah, help, a big, stupid, ugly Ogre!' They judge me, before they even know me! That's why I'm better off alone.

 **Donkey:** You know, what Shrek? When we meet, I didn't think that you were just some, big, stupid, ugly ogre.

 **Shrek:** I know, Donkey, I know.

 **Donkey:** So, there's really, no one else you'd rather be?

 _ **Who I'd Be**_

 **Shrek**  
I guess I'd be a hero, With sword and armor clashing  
Looking semi dashing, A shield within my grip  
Or else I'd be a Viking and live a life of daring  
While smelling like a herring, upon a Viking ship.  
I'd sail away, I'd see the world, I'd reach the farthest reaches  
I'd feel the wind, I'd taste the salt and sea.  
And maybe storm some beaches.  
That's who I'd be. That's who I'd be.

Or I could be a poet and write a different story,  
One that tells of glory, and wipes away the lies  
And to the skies I'd throw it, the stars would do the telling  
The moon would help with spelling, and night would dot the 'I's  
I'd write a verse, Recite a joke, with wit and perfect timing.  
I'd share my heart, confess the things I yearn, and do it all while rhyming.  
But we all learn. But we all learn.

And Ogre always hides, an Ogre's fate is known  
And Ogre always stays in the dark and all alone

So yes I'd be a hero, and if my wish was granted  
Llife would be enchanted, or so the stories say.  
Of course I'd be a hero, and I would scale a tower  
And save a hot-house flower, and carry her away  
But standing guard would be a beast, I'd somehow over whelm it,  
I'd get the girl, I'd take my breath, and I'd remove my helmet.

We'd stand and stare, we'd speak of love, we'd feel the stars ascending  
We'd share a kiss, I'd find my destiny  
I'd have a hero's ending, a perfect happy ending.  
That's how it would be  
A big bright beautiful world

But not for me.

[ **Fiona** appears, she's been transformed into an ogress. Only the audience sees her.]

 **Fiona**  
An ogre always hides. An ogres fate is known.

 **Shrek &** **Fiona**  
An ogre always stays in the dark

 **Donkey**  
You're all alone

 **Shrek & Fiona**  
All Alone

 **Fiona**  
But I know

(All at the same time)

 **Shrek**  
So yes i'd be a hero, and if my wish was granted my life would be enchanted or so the stories say.  
Of course I'd be a hero and I would scale a tower to save a hot-house flower and carry her away!  
 **Fiona**  
he'll appear. Cause there are rules and there are strictures. I believe the story books i read by candle light  
 **Donkey**  
All alone. You need a pal, my calendar's open. Ya need me.  
 **All**  
A perfect happy ending, that's how... it.. should be!


	10. Act 2, Scene 1

[A beautiful morning. **Fiona** stands alone onstage, as a human.]

 _ **Morning Person**_

 **Fiona**  
Good morning birds  
Good morning trees  
Ohh what a lovely day  
The sun's so big it hurts my eyes  
But really that's ok

A brand new day  
with things to do  
So many plans to make  
I've had 6 cups of coffee  
So i'm really wide awake

I've always been a morning person  
A morning girl  
Hurray

( **Bird** appears on a branch)

 **Bird**  
Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep

 **Fiona**  
(Higher)Hurray

 **Bird**  
(Higher)Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep

 **Fiona**  
(Higher)Hurray

 **Bird**  
(Higher)Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep

 **Fiona**  
(Higher)Hurray

( **Bird** explodes. **Fiona** gets upset, then she sees a deer.)

 **Fiona**  
Good morning deer  
Say have you heard, today's  
My wedding day?  
I haven't met my husband yet  
But I'm hopeful anyway

Ill wear a gown  
Well have a ball  
And dance forever more  
He'll take me in his massive arms and spin me across the floor  
I've always been a morning person  
A morning girl ( **Deer** is either thrown off a cliff by **Fiona** , or runs away.)  
Hurray

[A rat scurries across the stage, followed by another and **Pied Piper.** ]

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Why, good morning Pied Piper!

 **Piper**  
(Spoken)  
(Taking offence)Ak, what's so good about it? I can't get these stupid rats to follow me!

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Well, I think you may need to change your tune, mister! (Takes his flute)

 **Piper**  
(Spoken)  
Look here, lady, that's my…

[ **Fiona** plays flute. **Dancing** **Rats** enter. **Fiona** dances with them until music changes to Hard Rock, then she takes outer skirt off and throws it to **Piper. Fiona** taps with **Dancing Rats.** ]

 **Fiona**  
A brand new start, a pallet cleanse  
As fresh as lime sorbet  
Last night I was a monster  
But this morning  
This morning  
This morning I'm ok  
This morning I'm ok

[ **Piper** or some **rats,** reattach **Fiona's** outer skirt. **Rats & Piper** should be gone before the song ends.]

 **Fiona:** (Sees **Shrek & Donkey**)Oh! Why, good morning men!

 **Donkey:** Morning.

 **Shrek:** Princess, did you by any chance eat some of those funny looking mushrooms by the stream?

 **Fiona:** Of course not! I'm just happy. It's a bright new day, full of fresh promise. And the first thing I'd like to do, is apologize for my behavior yesterday. We obviously got off on the wrong foot. And I would like to make it up to you.

 **Shrek:** You would?

 **Fiona:** Why yes! You did rescue me after all. So, I collected a basket full of berries for the trip, and I made you each, (pulls daisy chains from basket)a daisy chain!

 **Donkey:** Wow, ( **Fiona** puts one on **Donkey** )these are beautiful! Aren't they beautiful Shrek? (attempts to eat it while **Fiona** puts one on **Shrek** )

 **Shrek:** Ew. (Clearly doesn't like it)

 **Fiona:** (To Shrek)You'll grow to love it, I'm sure! Lead the way!

[They start walking. **Shrek** takes his daisy chain off.]

 **Shrek:** So, tell me, Princess, do you often frolic with rats?

 **Fiona:** And what if I do?

 **Shrek:** Oh, I don't know, Princess, germ invested vermin, not exactly what I had in mind.

 **Fiona:** Well maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them?

 **Donkey:** Ouch.

 **Fiona:** Tell me about my Groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?

 **Shrek:** Well, let me put it this way, men of Farquaad's, _stature_ , are in _short_ supply.

[He and **Donkey** laugh.]

 **Fiona:** (Not getting the joke)Really.

 **Donkey:** Well, you could say, he's a _little_ intimidating.

[The men continue laughing]

 **Fiona:** (Still not getting it)Well, he must be.

 **Shrek:** And yet, very good at _small_ talk.

[They laugh the hardest.]

 **Fiona:** What are you doing?

 **Shrek:** (Laughing)Oh, we're just saying that you might want to _lower_ you're expectations!

 **Donkey:** (Laughing)Yeah, like, three feet or so!

 **Fiona:** Alright, yuck it up! It doesn't bother me, not today! After a life time of misery, things are finally going my way!

 **Shrek:** Yeah, lifetime of misery, right! (Chuckles)

 **Fiona:** You chuckled.

 **Shrek:** Mm?

 **Fiona:** After I said, 'lifetime of misery', you chuckled.

 **Shrek:** Did I?

 **Fiona:** Yes.

 **Shrek:** Look, I'm sure it was very difficult living in a dragon guarded tower your whole life.

 **Fiona:** (Defensibly)It was.

 **Shrek:** (Sarcastically)I'm sure.

 **Fiona:** Alright then. (Begins to walk away.)

 **Shrek:** Although, it must have been nice to have a cozy bed and a roof over your head, which was more than I had when I left home.

 **Fiona:** You're not actually comparing yourself to what I endured!?

 **Shrek:** I'm just saying, you don't exactly corner the market on unhappy childhood.

 _ **I think I got you beat**_

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
There are things, you don't know, you know. (Music starts) About me, about how rough I had it.

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
What? You run out of shampoo a couple times?

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
I mean about my life!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
In that cushy tower of yours?

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Cushy? Are you kidding?  
(Sung)  
I had nothing in that tower  
Fighting boredom by the hour.  
Princess Lonely  
Walking circles  
I had only...

Bare essentials  
Army cot  
A hot plate and chamber pot.  
And every morning I would boil it.  
No choice I had no toilet.  
Just a view of devastation  
Out one window, isolation  
In my bedroom  
And very little headroom  
Twenty years I sat and waited  
I'm very dedicated  
On the walls the days were added  
Luckily those walls were padded  
So...

I think I got you beat  
I think I got you beat  
Yeah, yeah yeeeaaahh,  
I think I got you beat  
I think I got you beat.

 **Shrek** :  
(spoken)oh you think so. That was a sad story but  
(Sung)I've heard better I'm just saying  
A for effort thanks for playing  
Sad to see a princess suffer  
But I had it rougher  
Like that time a mob with torchers burned my britches  
See the scorches  
You're just whiney  
I had a flaming hiney  
As I fled I had to wonder  
If I were torn asunder  
Would an ogre go to heaven  
Did I mention I was seven?  
So...  
I think I got you beat. Yeah, yeah, yeah  
I think I got you beat.  
I think I got you beat.

 **Fiona** :  
No warm regards

 **Shrek** :  
No Christmas cards

 **Fiona** :  
And every day

 **Shrek** :  
Was hell on earth day.

 **Fiona** :  
(spoken)okay top this.  
I missed my prom

 **Shrek** :  
My dad and mom sent me away,  
It was my birthday.

 **Fiona** :  
(spoken)I was sent away on Christmas Eve. ( **Shrek** grumbles)Haha.

( **Shrek &** **Fiona** sing at the same time. **Donkey** keeps **Shrek & Fiona** apart, and from hurting each other.)

 **Fiona** :  
Bare essentials  
Army cot  
A hot plate and chamber pot.  
And every morning I would boil it.  
No choice I had no toilet.  
Just a view of devastation  
Out one window, isolation  
In my bedroom  
And very little headroom  
Twenty years I sat and waited  
I'm very dedicated  
On the walls the days were added  
Luckily those walls were padded

 **Shrek** :  
No warm regards  
No Christmas cards  
And every day was hell on earth day  
(Mocking)I missed my prom  
(Normal)My dad and mom sent me away  
It was my birthday

 **Fiona** : (spoken)  
20 years!

 **Shrek** :  
(Mocking)I missed my prom

 **Both** :  
My dad and mom sent me away

 **Fiona** :  
So...

 **Shrek** :  
So...

 **Both** :  
I think I got you beat  
I think I got you beat

 **Shrek**  
Yeah

 **Fiona**  
Yeah

 **Shrek** :  
Yeah

 **Fiona** :  
Yeah

 **Shrek** :  
Yeah

 **Fiona** :  
Yeah

 **Shrek** :  
Yeah

 **Both** :  
I think I got you beat, I think I got you beat  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
I think I got you beat, I think I got you beat  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[ **Shrek** or **Donkey** farts]

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Oopsy. Ah well, better out than in I always say.

[ **Fiona** farts]

 **Shrek**  
Hmmmmmm_ (burps)

 **Fiona**  
Hmmmmmm_ (burps)

 **Shrek**  
Hmmmmmm_ (burps)

 **Fiona**  
Hmmmmmm_ (burps 4 times)  
Na na na, na na na na_

 **Shrek**  
Na na na, na na na na_

[ **Shrek & Fiona **spend the next 6 measures burping & farting. They fart against each other.]

 **Both**  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[ **Shrek & Fiona **walk off, arm in arm. **Donkey** walks through where **Shrek & Fiona** burped and farted, and coughs. He covers his nose and mouth as he runs off.]


	11. Act 2, Scene 2

[ **Farquaad's** workout room. He's lifting a seemly heavy barbell, with help from **Falonious.** ]

 **Farquaad:** (Counting how many times he lifts the barbell)494, 495, 496. (To **Falonious** ) That's enough. (To audience)Princess Fiona, I am Lord Farquaad. (To **Falonious** )What do you think?

 **Falonious:** Sounds polite.

 **Farquaad:** Yes, but it's too formal. (grabs hold of barbell again and does another lift)600! (Lets go)Fiona! I, am Farquaad. But you can call me Maximus, as I've no doubt you will. Woof. (Looks at **Falonious** for approval, but he shakes his head)Your right, to smutly. ( **Servant** enters. To audience)What soft! Light through younder window breaks, Princess Fiona, and Farquaad is the Sun!

 **Servant:** Milord, we've just received word. Princess Fiona has been rescued and is on her way.

 **Farquaad:** On her way! And so am I! My fairytale Princess. I always said I'd be king, and look! The last adorable piece to my Master Plan. Which reminds me. Oh, Mirror!

[ **Mirror** appears]

 **Mirror:** Yes, my liege!

 **Farquaad:** How are the wedding preparations going?

 **Mirror:** All in order milord! We've booked the Cathedral and the Band!

 **Farquaad:** Excellent!

 **Mirror:** Although I was wondering,

 **Farquaad:** (Interrupts)Yes?

 **Mirror:** If you'd like to invite your father?

[ **Falonious** looks scared and starts to back up.]

 **Farquaad:** My what?

 **Mirror:** Why, your father my liege.

[ **Falonious** exits]

 **Farquaad:** Do you mean, that horrible little man, that vile grunt! That mal tempered monster who abandoned me in the woods as a child?

 **Mirror:** Well he did have his reasons.

 **Farquaad:** Mirror, please. (Puts hand up, which makes **Mirror** pout)My father just simply couldn't accept that I wanted nothing to do with the family business.

 _ **Ballad of Farquaad**_

 **FARQUAAD**  
My daddy was a miner  
So he wasn't much around  
Foraging for diamonds  
A life spent underground

Daddy didn't talk much  
He barely said hello  
He'd simply mutter "Heigh ho"  
And off to work he'd go

Daddy was grumpy...

My momma was a princess  
Who left her crown behind  
Daddy was her true love, so  
Momma didn't mind

I never knew my momma  
But she could've been a queen  
She married way beneath her...  
Beneath her knee, I mean

Ohhh, daddy's bed was lumpy  
So mommy couldn't sleep  
Daddy built a new one  
So tall and so steep

Twenty-five mattresses she slept upon  
One night she rolled over...  
And momma was gone

So daddy was grumpy...

Me and my old man  
A tale as old as dirt  
A bitter distant father  
In a tiny undershirt

Daddy up and left me  
Left me good as dead  
Now he lives in squalor  
Sleeping seven to a bed

(spoken)  
You abandoned me in those woods, daddy. Well I crawled out! And up! Oh, if only you could see me now, daddy...I'd invite you to the wedding but you have to be THIS tall to get in! Hahahahahaha! ( If **Mirror** hasn't already disappeared, he should do so now.)

 **Guards** enter. They will be the dancing and singing Ensemble.

(sung)  
My bride-to-be is gorgeous  
Her wedding dress, designer  
The guest list will be major  
Without a minor miner

 **Guards**  
La la la la la la la la la la la la la

 **FARQUAAD**  
Packs of royal lackeys  
Playing violin

 **GUARDS**  
Strings of royal underlings

 **FARQUAAD & (GUARDS)**  
Who will not let you in!  
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha!  
Tricked out carriage!  
(Tricked out carriage)  
Twenty stallions!  
(Twenty stallions)  
With a coachman named Raoul  
(With a coachman named Raoul)  
Big reception!  
(Big reception)  
With a boy band!  
(With a boy band)  
And a royal deejay by the pool...

Yes! I can see my future  
And so it shall be done  
It's total domination  
With some torture just for fun, hee hee!

'Cause I will have my wedding And I will have a queen!  
And once I get that crown on  
You will get the guillotine

And I'll punish you daddy  
'Cause I'm all grown up And bigger than you'll ever know!

You're gonna pay daddy!  
It's any day daddy!  
I'm off to work  
Heigh ho!

Curtain closes.


	12. Act 2, Scene 3

[ **Shrek, Fiona & Donkey** enter. They are all happy.]

 _ **Air Guitar Crossover**_

 **Fiona**  
(Playing Air Guitar)Mer, mer, mer  
mer, mer, mer, mer, mer, mer, mer.

 **Shrek**  
(Playing Air Guitar)Mer, mer, mer  
mer, mer, mer, mer, mer, mer, mer.

 **Fiona**  
Dwair,_ wair, wair  
wair, wair, wair, wair, wah!

( **Shrek & Fiona **improve with vocal sounds, having fun. **Fiona** pushes **Shrek. Shrek** then pushes **Fiona** , hard, causing her to fall offstage.)

 **Shrek:** Are you alright?

 **Fiona:** (crawling onstage)Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. ( **Shrek** helps her up)After all, I did single-handedly(They lock eyes)defeat… the Merry Men.

[ **Shrek & Fiona** gaze into each other's eyes for a few moments. **Donkey** sees something in the distance, towards the audience's direction.]

 **Donkey:** Yoo hoo! We're here!

 **Shrek:** We are? (Looks)Would you look at that.

 **Fiona:** What is it?

 **Shrek:** It's Duloc.

 **Fiona:** Oh, Duloc. I didn't realize we were so close.

 **Shrek:** Me neither.

 **Donkey:** Congratulations, Princess! Your future awaits!

 **Fiona:** (Slightly disappointed)Yeah, guess it does.

 **Shrek:** (Trying to stall)Oh well. So much for that batch of _Snathers_ , I was going to make for us.

 **Fiona:** Snathers?

 **Shrek:** They're a traditional Ogre campfire snack. A bit like s'mores, but instead of chocolate and marshmallows, we use mulch and squirrel gizzards. (happy)Aw, they just melt in your mouth!

 **Donkey:** (Disgusted)I think I need to sit down for a little bit!

 **Shrek:** No sitting down! We have to get the Princess to Duloc!

 **Fiona:** No, wait, Shrek! I might not get another chance to try one of those snathers.

 **Donkey:** Girl, if you eat one of them, you might not get the chance to do ANYTHANG.

 **Shrek:** Zip it, Donkey!

 **Fiona:** I was thinking, maybe Duloc could wait till morning?

 **Shrek:** Morning?

 **Fiona:** Why not? I've spent my whole life without true love, what's, one more night?

 **Shrek:** (Delighted)Alright. I'll go find us some dinner.

 **Fiona:** I'll get the firewood!

[They bump into each other. They try to figure out where they should go.]

 **Shrek:** Want to go…

 **Fiona:** Together?

[They walk offstage, hand in hand. Leaving **Donkey** alone and confussed.]

 _ **Make A Move**_

 **Donkey**  
(Sing-sung)  
There's something going on around here  
I've been watching and the signals are clear  
A nervous laugh when she brushes his skin  
The sweaty palms, the big dopey grin

(Curtain opens. **Shrek & Fiona** are sitting by a fire, roasting snathers.)

Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm  
With a giggle and a flip of her hair  
I smell the pheromones in the air  
Making goo goo eyes over their food  
They need my help here in setting the mood

(Spoken)  
Oh you don't believe love is blind'  
Well I got some friends who think otherwise. ( **3 Blind Mice** enter)

 **Donkey** ( **Mice** )  
(Oh)And here they are. (Oh)Direct from my imagination!

 **Three Blind Mice**  
Three Blind Mice

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Watch your step girls

 **Three Blind Mice**  
Three Blind Mice  
See how they run

 **Donkey**  
You got to turn up the heat  
You got to butter the pan

 **Donkey (with Mice)**  
You got to (make a move and don't be afraid)

 **Donkey**  
Reach for her hand  
And maybe give her a kiss

 **Donkey & Mice**  
She's waiting for a move to be made

 **Donkey**  
You got to

 **Mice**  
Got to

 **Donkey**  
Got to

 **Mice**  
Got to

 **Donkey**  
Got to

 **Mice**  
Got to yea

 **Donkey**  
You got to make a move

 **Mice**  
You got to make a move

 **Donkey**  
You got to make a move

 **Mice**  
You got to make a move

 **Donkey**  
You got to make a move

 **Mice**  
You got to make a move

 **Both**  
Yea

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Mm. (To **Shrek** )These snathers are delicious!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Didn't I tell you?

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
They're amazing!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
And a little nutty, right?

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
Guess I'll be dinning differently tomorrow.

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Maybe, you could visit me in the swamp sometime? I'll cook all kinds of stuff for you, Swamp toad soup, Fish eye tartar, you name it!

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
I'd like that.

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken in a deep voice) Shrek  
I know you can't hear me right now,  
but if you could I would want to say a few things to you I am in your corner buddy,  
but you have got to tell that girl  
what you are feeling deep down.  
You may not get another chance.  
So just go on now. Just open your heart and

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken, nervously)  
Umm Princess

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Here we go

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)Yes Shrek

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Oh he's gonna tell her!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)I uh

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)I can't take this

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)Well I was uh

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Uh Huh

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)I was wondering

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Ok

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)I was wondering

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)Spit it out!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken, nervously)Are you gonna eat that'

 **Donkey** :  
Man! What is wrong with you?  
(sung)  
You! Gotta!  
Make a move!  
You gotta shift into gear

 **Donkey and Blind Mice**  
You gotta buckle down and give it a whirl

 **Donkey**  
The scene is set right out of a book

 **Blind Mice:**  
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

 **Donkey and Blind Mice** :  
With a sunset

 **Donkey** :  
And a beautiful girl  
So you go

 **Blind Mice** :  
Gotta!

 **Donkey** :  
Gotta

 **Blind Mice:**  
Gotta!

 **Donkey** :  
(Spoken, fast)  
I hope you're ready for double time, girls, cause here we go!  
(Sing)  
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

 **Blind Mice** :  
C'mon, C'mon, C'mon,  
C'mon, Baby.

 **Donkey**  
You gotta make a move,  
C'mon!

 **Blind Mice:**  
You gotta make a move,  
now, Baybay-eh!

 **Donkey** :  
You gotta make a move,  
C'mon!

 **Blind Mice:**  
You gotta make a move,  
now, Baybay-eh!

 **Donkey** :  
(Spoken)  
Aw, that's it, girls! Bring it back now!  
(Sung)  
Yeah! Yeah!

 **Donkey & Blind Mice:**  
Yeah!

 **Donkey:** Well, that was fun, wasn't it. Let's do it again!

 _ **Make A Move Reprise**_

 **Donkey (with Mice)**  
(Hoop) You gotta(hoop) make a move(hoop)  
(Hoop)C'mon!  
(Hoop) You gotta(hoop) make a move(hoop)  
(Hoop)C'mon! ( **Mice** exit)  
(Hoop, hoop)  
(Hoop, hoop)

[ **Donkey** continues singing, oblivious to the fact that he's making a fool of himself.]

 **Shrek:** Donkey?

 **Donkey:** (Coming out of his fantasy)Oh, (embarrassed)uh, sorry bout that. I just got carried away by the magic of the night! And that big beautiful sunset.

 **Fiona:** (Panicky)Sunset?! Oh, my gosh, it's almost sunset!(Awkward silence. **Fiona** calms down)I mean, it's late. It's very late.

 **Donkey:** Wait a minute, I know what's going on.

 **Fiona:** You do?

 **Donkey:** You afraid of the dark! Aren't you?

 **Fiona:** Yes, that's it! I'm terrified! I'd better go inside. (Goes to the door of an abandoned building)

 **Donkey:** Don't worry, Princess. I used to be afraid of the too, until I, (realizes something)no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. (hides)

 **Fiona:** I'm sorry. I have to go.

 **Shrek:** Oh, ok. Goodnight.

 **Fiona:** Goodnight. (Goes inside.)

 **Donkey:** Na, uh. No sir. I did not come all this way, putting up with you and your body odor, just to see you let her walk away like that!

 **Shrek:** What are you talking about?

 **Donkey:** I'm an animal and I've got instincts. (Pause for effect)And I can tell that you two are obviously digging on each other!

 **Shrek:** (Trying to cover the truth)That's crazy! I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad!

 **Donkey:** So you don't have any feelings for her, at all?

 **Shrek:** Look, even if I do, ( **Donkey** sees this as a sign)And I'm not saying I _do_ , cause I _don't!_ She's a _Princess_ , and I'm, (can't say it)

 **Donkey:** (Finishing for **Shrek** )An Ogre?

 **Shrek:** (Sadly)Yeah, an Ogre.

 **Donkey:** She needs to know.

[ **Shrek** doesn't respond, so **Donkey** begins to leave.]

 **Shrek:** Hey! Where are you going?

 **Donkey:** To get more wood before _your fire dies._ (He leaves)

[Sun sets. _Fiona's Transformation_ plays. As it's ending, **Donkey** reappears, with some firewood, and sees **Shrek** leave. **Donkey** then goes to the abandoned house once the music ends.]

 **Donkey:** (Quietly knocking & whispering)Princess? (Opens door)Princess Fiona? (No reply, so **Donkey** enters. Speaks more loudly)Princess, where are you? Princess, it's very spooky in here, I'm not playing no games!

[ **Donkey** bumps into **Fiona** , both scream. **Donkey** screams for **Shrek,** while **Fiona** tries to comfort him. When he calms down, somewhat.]

 **Fiona:** Donkey, it's alright!

 **Donkey:** (Panicked, loud  & worried)What you do with the Princess?

 **Fiona:** Donkey, I am the Princess. It's me! In this body!

 **Donkey:** Oh my gosh, you ate the Princess! (to her stomach)Keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!

 **Fiona:** Donkey!

[ **Donkey** looks up and into **Fiona's** eyes.]

 **Donkey:** Princess? What happened to you? I've never seen you like this?

 **Fiona:** By day one way, by night another. This shall be the norm, until you find True Love's First Kiss, and then take Love's true form.

 **Donkey:** That's beautiful, Princess! I didn't know you wrote poetry!

 **Fiona:** Donkey, It's a curse. I've had it since I was a girl.

 **Donkey:** A curse?

 **Fiona:** A witch cast a spell on me, so every night, when the sun goes down, I turn into this, this horrid, ugly BEAST!

 **Donkey:** Ok, calm down. You're not that ugly. ( **Fiona** looks at him)Ok, I'm not gonna lie, you are ugly. But you only look like at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. (Realizes something)Wait a minute, that's perfect!

 **Fiona:** Perfect? Donkey, if Lord Farquaad finds out I look like this, he'll never marry me.

 **Donkey:** So?

 **Fiona:** Donkey, the Kiss is the only thing that'll break the spell and make me beautiful.

 **Donkey:** But, you already have inner beauty!

 **Fiona:** So?

 **Donkey:** So, you don't need a handsome on the outside, wanna be Prince. And, well, uh, you're kinda an Ogre, and Shrek, well, you two have a lot in common.

 **Fiona:** Shrek?

 **Donkey:** Yeah. If he knew about this, …

 **Fiona:** (Cutting him off)No, he can't know. No one must ever know! And you can't tell him! Promise me you won't tell!

 **Donkey:** Alright, I won't tell. But you should! Man, I know when this is all over, I'm gonna need some serious therapy!

[The Abandoned House darkens. **Shrek** comes center stage.]

 ** _When Words Fail_**

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)Princess.. I..  
How's it going first of all'  
Good'  
Uh, it's good for me too.  
I'm okay

(Sung)  
I picked this flower  
Right over there  
Is where it grew  
And I don't really like it  
But it made me think of you  
Because it's pretty  
Is what I'm trying to say  
And you are also pretty  
But I like you anyway

So please accept this flower  
With its petals and a stem  
Which represent my feelings  
And tells you how..

(spoken)  
Oh man I'm in trouble

(Sung)  
When words fail  
What will I do'  
When words fail  
How will she know how I feel'  
When words fail  
Will I fail too'

(Pretends to be with **Fiona** )

Hello fair princess  
Oh look the moon  
Is out tonight  
You remind me of that moon  
Because it's big and bright  
And by big I don't mean chubby  
Obviously you're not fat  
But your personality is biggish  
Is what I meant by that

Sorry 'bout that fat thing,  
I'm on the hefty side myself  
I have to blame the gene pool  
Which reminds me of'

(Spoken)  
Oh where I am going with this

(Sung)When words fail  
What will I do'  
When words fail  
How will she know how I feel'  
When words fail  
Will I fail too'

Do I have a snowball's chance'  
Are my prospects just too grim'  
I spent my life stuck in the mud  
Now I'm crawling out on a limb

If words fail  
She'll know what I mean  
If words fail  
She'll just take my hand  
She sees me like no one else has  
If words fail  
She'll understand  
She'll understand

[Goes toward Abandoned House, which relightens.]

 **Fiona:** (To **Donkey** )I can't think about Shrek. Not now. I'm a Princess after all, and look at me! I mean, really, ou said so yourself, ugly. Princess and ugly don't go together! Who could ever love a, hideous, ugly beast like this! That's why I can't stay here with Shrek! My only hope for happiness is to marry my one, true love. (Sadly)There's no other way.

[ **Shrek** , sad, drops flower and walks away as the house redarkens.]


	13. Act 2, Scene 4

[Morning. Fiona steps outside.]

 **Fiona**  
Good morning dawn  
Good morning day  
Good morning Morning Dove  
I had a long and sleepless night  
Pondering true love  
My fairy tale  
I know so well  
Must somehow gone awry  
Looks may be deceiving but,  
Feelings cannot lie.  
Do I love him?  
Last night I was uncertain  
But this morning

[ **Shrek** enters.]

This morning  
This morning  
(Spoken) Shrek, thank goodness. There is something I have to tell you.

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken, angry)You don't have to tell me anything I heard enough last night

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken, confused)Oh, you heard what I said?

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken, still angry)Every word! Especially, "Who could love such a hideous ugly beast".

 **Fiona:** (Hurt, and not getting **Shrek's** message)But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

 **Shrek:** Yeah, well it does! (Pauses)How would you… (Gets cut off by the sound of drums)

 _ **The Arrival of Farquaad**_

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Princess, I brought you a little something.

 **Farquaad**  
(Offstage)Fiona!

[ **Farquaad** enters, ridding a life size fake horse with fake legs on it. He's wearing armor(and fake arms). He's followed by his **Guards.** ]

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona, Fiona,  
Fiona, Fiona, Fiona,  
Fiona!_

 **Farquaad:** Woa, there, plastic(wooden) horse. (To **Fiona** )Ah, Princess Fiona!

 **Shrek:** As promised! (Goes towards **Farquaad** )Now, about my swamp.

 **Farquaad:** Cleared out, as agreed. The deed, ( **Guard #1** presents **Shrek's** deed)has been put in your name. Now, take it and leave, before I change my mind! ( **Shrek** is given/takes deed. He goes to the far end of stage)Forgive me, Fiona, for startling you. _I_ , am Lord Farquaad!

 **Fiona:** Lord Farquaad? (He nods. **Fiona** looks at **Shrek** , while **Farquaad** gets down)Forgive me, for I was saying a, (sees **Farquaad's** height) _short._ Farwell.

 **Farquaad:** That's so sweet! But you mustn't waste good manners on the Ogre! (Quieter)Not like it has feelings!

 **Fiona:** No, you're right. (Looks at **Shrek** , who ignores her)It, doesn't.

 **Faquaad:** Fiona! Beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona! (kneels, while holding **Fiona's** hand)Will you take my hand in marriage? Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

[ **Fiona** looks at **Shrek** , who ignores her.]

 **Fiona:** Lord Farquaad, I accept, nothing woul…

 **Farquaad:** (Cutting her off)Excellent! We'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

 **Fiona:** No! (Everyone stares at her, including a hopeful **Shrek** )I mean, why wait? Let's get married today, before sunset.

 **Farquaad:** Anxious, are we? You're right, the sooner the better! (Gets on horse)There's so much to plan! Captain! Ride ahead and round up some guests! ( **Fiona** gets on horse by herself)We'll be married by sunset!

[ **Donkey** wakes up.]

 **Donkey:** Ah, nothing like a good night's sleep. (Sees everything)What I miss?

 **Fiona:** Fare thee well, Ogre.

[ **Fiona, Farquaad** and remaining **Guards** leave. The horse backs up and makes a loud beeping sound.]

 **Donkey:** Ah, Shrek, you're letting her get away! (Gets close to **Shrek** )Look, I talked to her last night,

 **Shrek:** (Cutting him off and angry)I know you talked to her last night! You two are great pals, aren't you? So why don't you follow _her_ home?

 **Donkey:** But Shrek, I wanna go home with you.

 **Shrek:** (Angry, with a hint of hurt)I told you, I live _alone! Me! My_ swamp! _Nobody_ else! Especially, useless, pathetic, annoying, _TALKING DONKEYS!_

 **Donkey:** But I thought,…

 _ **Build a Wall (Correct version)**_

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken, cutting **Donkey** off)  
Yeah, well, you thought wrong.

(Sung)  
I'm gonna build me a wall, I'll make it ten feet high.  
See ya later pal, bye bye.  
No one gettin' in so don't you even try.  
A ten foot wall..

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Shrek, it's not what you think! Just let me explain!

 **Shrek**  
I'm gonna build me a wall, I'm gonna disappear.

(Turns to face **Donkey** )

What's the matter pal, am I not bein' clear?  
Can't you take a hint, am I getting through at all?  
Just get outta here..

[ **Donkey** runs off stage.]

I was told the world would despise me.  
So I should have known, I should have guessed.  
I thought these two might be different.  
Well now I know, they're just like all the rest.

I'm gonna be what they want, I'm gonna be what they say.  
Hey world, I'll do it your way!  
You're looking for a monster, it's your lucky day.  
I'll be what you want..

What a fool to think she might love me.  
I opened my heart and let her walk through.  
She wanted prince charming, I wanted my home back,  
How lucky both our wishes came true..

Gonna build me a wall, a perfect place to hide.  
Hey world, stay on your side.  
The best way to conquer they say is to divide.

Gonna build a wall.  
Gonna be what they say.  
Gonna hide in my heart.

Gonna build a wall...

[ **Shrek** walks off stage, with his stuff. The stage darkens]


	14. Act 2, Scene 5

[The woods. **The Fairytale Creatures** are walking with their stuff. They're all upset.]

 **Pinocchio:** Just when you think life can't get any worse, you get evicted from a swamp!

 **Elf:** Yeah, I thought that Ogre was gonna help us!

 **Peter Pan:** (Hopeful)He still might! Maybe if we all close our eyes and clap really hard!

 **Pinocchio:** (To **Peter** )Oh, grow up!

 **Peter Pan** : I won't grow up!

 **Pinocchio:** You're 34 and need a shave!

 **Little Sassy Wolf:** Burn! (Gives **Pinocchio** a high-five)

[ **Fairytale Creatures** begin to talk.]

 **Pinocchio:** Oh, yeah!(Crowd silences) Am I wrong?

[A small cage **Peter's** holding begins to shake on it's own]

 **Peter Pan** : (To cage)Easy, Tink. And watch your language! (Whispers)Even if it's true.

 **Red Ridding Hood:** Why is she in that cage, again?

 **Peter Pan** : We don't like flying far distances.

 **Sugar Plum Fairy:** Ya, neither do I. Too much vork.

 **Red Ridding Hood** : Peter, you fly?

 **Little Sassy Wolf:** (To **Red** )Maybe, if you weren't too busy sucking your thumb, and lovingly gazing at my brother, you would of remembered.

 **Red Ridding Hood:** Why, you…

[ **Bad Wolf** keeps **Red & Sassy **apart.]

 **Goldilocks:** I smell front page news!

 **Jr Bear:** Weren't you fired?

 **Goldilocks:** I could always come back, Juni.

[Laughter.]

 **Jr Bear:** (To **Goldilocks** )I told you not to call me that in public!

 **Goldilocks:** (Flirty)So?

 **Big Bad Wolf** : Where to now?

 **Fairy Godmother:** 40 miles, north they said! There's a land fill with our names on it!

 **Gingy:** (Yells in anger)A land fill! Are you kidding me! What's next? A dung hill?! A septic tank?! How low do we need to go, everyone? It's time to do what we should've done a _long_ time ago. We gotta stand up to Farquaad ourselves!

 **White Rabbit:** Gingy's right! It's time we got off our fluffy butts and do something!

[ **Fairytale Creatures** talk, loudly]

 **Pinocchio:** (Yells)Wait a minute!(Quiets)Look, maybe that Ogre wasn't the answer, but something better will come along and we have to wait for it. (crowd groans)Because that is what Fairytale Creatures do. We wait for miracles, we wish upon stars. Why my cricket always told me…

 **Witch:** (Cutting him off)oh, forget that cricket! If he was so smart, he would've seen that windshield coming! (claps hands together)

[ **Fairytale Creatures** react.]

 **Little Sassy Wolf** : Burn!

 **Elf:** Sassy, you're getting on our nerves!

 **Little Sassy Wolf:** So?

 **Pinocchio:** So, we just need to lay low, until this blows over!

[Crowd gets angry. They talk over each other, berating **Pinocchio.** ]

 **Pinocchio:** (Yells)None of this would've happened if I were a real boy! (crowd goes silent)Why can't I be a real boy?

[He looks into the distance while **Elf,** comes up to comfort him, which he lovingly accepts. **Gingy** sneaks up to them.]

 _ **Freak Flag**_

 **GINGY**  
(Yelled)  
Listen up, Puppet!

(Sung)  
We spend out whole lives weren't so freakin' strange.  
They make us feel that way. But it's they who need to change

 **PAPA BEAR** :  
(spoken)  
The way they think, that is.

 **BABY BEAR** :  
(spoken)  
That's right, Papa!

 **GINGY**  
It's time to stop the hiding. It's time to stand up tall.  
Sing hey world, I'm different, and here I am splinters and all!  
Spliters and all

 **MAMA** **BEAR**  
Let your freak flag wave

 **PINNOCHIO**  
(Spoken)  
My what?

 **MAMA** **BEAR**  
Let your freak flag fly

 **GINGY**  
(Spoken)  
Thats what im talking about!

 **MAMA** **BEAR & SUGAR PLUM FAIRY**  
Never take it down, never take it down  
Raise it way up high! Let your freak flag fly! Let it fly, fly, fly!

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
It's hard to be a puppet

 **THREE LITTLE PIGS:**  
Little puppet boy

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
So many strings attached.

 **Ugly Duckling**  
But it's not the choice you made.

 **THREE LITTLE PIGS:**  
No, no.

 **Ugly Duckling**  
Its just, how you, were hatched!

 **ALL**  
Let your freak flag wave, let your freak flag fly. Never take it down, Never take it down,  
Raise it way up high!  
Let your freak flag fly

 **THREE LITTLE PIGS:**  
I'm proud to be a piggie!

 **ALL** :  
Little pig, little pig

 **PAPA BEAR:**  
I raise my furry fist

 **ALL** :  
Papa Bear, Papa Bear

 **SHOEMAKERS ELF**  
It's time a tell the world I'm a scientologist!

 **WICKED WITCH** :  
I did some time in jail

 **ALL** :  
Yeah, yeah.

 **GARDEN GNOME:**  
I smell like sauerkraut

 **BAD WOLF** :  
I'm gonna shed my house coat

[ **Bad Wolf's** coat is taken off, reveling a sparkly dress.]

 **ALL** :  
Mr. Thing, you work it out!  
Let your freak flag wave! Let your freak flag fly! Never take it down never take it down.  
Raise it way up high!

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
(spoken)  
Yes! It all makes sense! We may be freaks, but we?re freaks with teeth, and claws,  
and magic wands! And together, we can stand up to Farquaad!  
(sung)  
Never take it down  
Raise it way up high!

 **RED RIDDING HOOD** :  
We've got magic  
We've got power  
Who are they  
To say we're wrong?

 **ALL** :  
Go girl!

 **RED RIDDING HOOD** :  
All the things that make us special  
Are the things that make us strong!

 **MAMA BEAR**  
What makes us special,

 **PINOCCHIO** :  
What makes us special

 **ALL** :  
What makes us special  
Makes us strong!  
Let your freak flag wave!  
Let your freak flag fly!  
Never take it down, never take it down  
Raise it way up high!  
Let your freak flag fly! Fly!  
Fly!  
Fly!  
Fly!

 **PINOCcHIO**  
(spoken)  
I'm wood! I'm good! Get used to it!

 **ALL**  
FLY!

 **Pinocchio:** To Duloc!

[ **Fairytale Creatures** cheer. They then leave. Curtains close.]


	15. Act 2, Scene 6

[Curtains are still closed. **Shrek's** Swamp. **Donkey** is building a wall. **Shrek** Comes onstage]

 **Shrek:** Donkey? What are you doing?

 **Donkey:** I thought you of a people would recognize a _wall,_ when you saw one.

 **Shrek:** Yeah, but the wall's supposed to go _around_ my swamp, not _through_ it!

 **Donkey:** It is, it's around your half, see!

 **Shrek:** Your half?

 **Donkey:** Yes, my half! I helped rescue the Princess, I did half the work, I get half the booty.

 **Shrek:** Back off!(Tries to tear down the wall)

 **Donkey:** (Defensive)No, you back off!

 **Shrek:** (Pushes **Donkey** )Stubborn jackass!

 **Donkey:** (Pushes **Shrek** )Smelly Ogre!

 **Shrek:** (Throws down piece of wall. Angry)This is _my_ swamp!

 **Donkey:** There you go! _My, my, my. Me, me, me._ Well, guess what, now it's my turn! So you just shut up, and pay attention! (pauses)You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything I do! You're always pushing me around, or pushing me away! You're so wrapped up in _layers,_ Onion Boy, you're afraid of your own feelings!

 **Shrek:** Oh, yeah? Well if I treated you so bad, then why'd you come back?

 **Donkey:** Cause that's what friends do, they forgive each other!

 **Shrek:** Oh, go away, you backstabber!

 **Donkey:** See, there you go again. Just like you did to Fiona, and all she did as like you, maybe even love you.

 **Shrek:** (Insulted) _Love me!_ She said I was ugly, a hideous beast! I heard the two of you talking!

 **Donkey:** She wasn't talking about you, she was talking about hers…(Remembers his promise), uh someone else.

 **Shrek:** She wasn't talking about me? ( **Donkey** nods)Then who was she talking about?

 **Donkey:** Nope! Na, uh. No, sir. You don't want to listen to me, right? Right.

 **Shrek:** Donkey!

 **Donkey:** No!

 **Shrek:** (Not meaning it)Ok, look, I'm sorry, alright. ( **Donkey** doesn't buy it. With meaning)Maybe I am just a stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me?

 **Donkey:** Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

 **Shrek:** Right. Friends?

 **Donkey:** (Childish)Aw, friends! (Hugs him)

 **Shrek:** So what did Fiona say about me?

 **Donkey:** Why are you asking me, why don't you ask her yourself?

 **Shrek:** (remembering)The wedding! We'll never make it in time!

 **Donkey:** Now what kind of noble steed would I be if I didn't have a plan? Follow me, she'll be happy to help!

[They exit]


	16. Act 2, Scene 7 (Updated again)

_**Wedding Procession**_

[The curtains open. The Wedding in the Cathedral. The **Priest** is standing at the alter. **Dulocens** enters.]

 **Dulocens**  
Oooh_  
Oooh_  
Oooh_  
Oooh_

[ **Farquaad** enters

Farquaad will be king!  
Ah_( **Fiona** enters)_

Ah  
Ah_

 **Priest:** (Annoying) People of Duloc! We are gathered here today to bear witness to the union of our new King and queen. And as the warm glow of this setting sun lifts our hearts, so too does our blessed…

 **Fiona:** (Interrupting him) Uh, can we just skip ahead to the "I do"s?

[ **Priest** looks confused.]

 **Farquaad:** Go on.

 **Priest:** Right. Well, do you Lord Farquaad take Princess Fiona as your wife?

 **Farquaad:** I do.

 **Priest:** And do you Princess Fiona take Lord…

 **Fiona:** (Hastily) I do.

 **Priest:** Yes, I thought you might. By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you King and Que…

 **Shrek:** (Running in) Stop the wedding! I object!

 **Fiona:** Shrek?

 **Farquaad:** What's he doing here? It's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up, uninvited to a wedding?

 **Shrek:** Princess! I have to tell you something!

 **Fiona:** Oh, now you want to talk? Well it's a little late for that, so if you don't mind…

 **Shrek:** But, you can't marry him!

 **Fiona:** And why not?

 **Shrek:** (Not sure about revealing his true emotions) Because he's just marrying you so he can be King!

 **Farquaad:** That's outrageous! Fiona don't listen to him!

 **Shrek:** (To **Fiona** ) He's not your true love!

 **Fiona:** And what do you know about true love?

 **Shrek:** (He's not sure how to say it) Well, um. Well, I…

 **Farquaad:** (Looks at both of them) Oh, oh. (Makes the realization) Aw. Well this is precious! Uh ha. The _Ogre_ , has fallen in love with the _Princess_! Oh, good lord! (Laughs)

[Everyone else (except **Fiona & Shrek**) laughs. **Farquaad** cuts it off.]

 **Fiona:** (Caring) Is this true, Shrek?

 **Farquaad:** Who cares! You're marrying _me_! Guards! Take this abomination out of my sight!

 **Fiona:** (Concerned) No! (Everyone looks at her, including a hopeful **Shrek. Fiona** recollects herself) I mean, uh, let's hear what the monster has to say? It might be worth a laugh!

 **Farquaad:** (To **Fiona** ) Oh, you are awful!(To **Shrek** ) Well you heard her, monster, explain yourself! With as few grunts as possible.

 _ **Big Bright Beautiful World Reprise**_

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Well, ok. Um. (Can't find words)  
(Sung)  
It's a big bright beautiful world  
With happiness all around.  
It's peaches and cream  
If a dream comes true.

( **Fiona** looks away.)

 **Farquaad**  
(Yells)  
Awkward! (gets weird looks & glares) Little bit.

 **Shrek**  
It's a big bright beautiful world  
With possibilities everywhere.  
If true love is blind  
Maybe you won't mind the view?

( **Fiona** looks at **Shrek.** Her look says, 'You thought I was talking about you?)

I know I'm not the handsome prince  
For whom you waited  
I don't have a fancy castle,  
And I'm not sophisticated.  
A princess and an ogre,  
I admit, is complicated.  
You've never read a book like this,  
But fairytales should really be updated.

[ **Shrek & Fiona** look lovingly at each other.]

It's a big bright beautiful world.  
I see it now, I'll let it in.  
I'll tear down a wall  
And clear a spot for two  
To be with you.

 **Farquaad:** (Very loud and interrupting **Shrek & Fiona's **moment) Boo! (Normal tone)Are we ready Darling?

 **Fiona:** I can't! (Runs offstage)

 **Pinocchio:** (Offstage) Stop the wedding!

[ **Fairytale Creatures** storm the Cathedral, with picket signs and screaming protests.]

 **Farquaad:** What's going on?

 **Pinocchio:** We've taken your abuse for the last time, Farquaad!

 **Fairytale Creatures:** Yeah!

 **Witch:** It ends today!

 **3 Pigs:** Power to zee piggies!

 **Mama Bear:** We demand our homes back!

 **Pinocchio:** And a rightful place in Duloc! Right guys?

 **Fairytale Creatures:** Yeah!

 **Farquaad:** (Yells) How dare you _freaks,_ interrupt _my_ wedding!

 **Pinocchio:** _Freaks,_ uh? Well, I guess it takes one to know one!

 **Fairytale Creatures:** Oh!

 **Sassy Wolf** : Ba-burn!

 **Farquaad:** (Confused) What?

 **Pinocchio:** Be prepared to have your minds blown! (Points to **Grumpy** )

[ **Grumpy** is either a puppet, a shorter guy on his knees, or a midget.]

 **Grumpy:** (Entering) High, ho!

 **Farquaad:** (Shocked and embarrassed) Daddy! Oh, Daddy.

 **Grumpy:** I supposed my invitation was lost in the mail!

 **Farquaad:** Well, maybe if you hadn't _abandoned me in the woods as a child_ …

 **Grumpy:** _Abandoned_ you! You were 28, and living in my basement!

[Everyone laughs at **Farquaad.** ]

 **Wolves:** Loser!

 **Pinocchio:** People of Duloc, you're leader, is a Halfling!

 _ **Sunset/Transformation**_

 **Farquaad**  
(Yells)  
I'm not a _freak!_ I'm a man, a big, tall _Giant_ man!

[ **Fiona** enters as an ogress]

 **Fiona**  
(Yells)  
Stop the wedding!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Fiona?

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
I wanted to show you before.

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Well,  
that explains a lot.

[ **Shrek & Fiona** share an understanding stare.]

 **Farquaad**  
(Cutting music off)  
Eww…eww! I almost kissed it!

 **Farquaad:** {M.37} Guards! Guards! ( **Guards** seize **Fiona** try to seize **Shrek** ) All this Hocus Pocus changes nothing! (walks to the top of a podium) This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! (Places crown on his head) See! See! {M.38} (To **Fiona** ) As for you, my _wife_ , I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!

 **Shrek:** {M. 38-39} Actually you won't! (Whistles)

 **Farquaad:** {M. 39-41} What are you doing, you insolent beast? I will see you drawn and quartered!{M.42} I will have order! I will have {42A} perfection! I…

[ **Dragon's** shadow can be seen on Cathedral window. {M. 43} **Dragon** roars and breaks window. {M. 44} She "breaths fire", which "incinerates" **Farquaad.** {M. 45} The people stare in shock. {M. 46a} The people rejoice. {M. 46b}]

[Opt. 1] **Donkey:** Nobody move! I've got a Dragon and I'm not afraid to use her! I'm a Donkey on the edge! (kisses **Dragon** ) or [Opt. 2] **Donkey:** That was my girl who did that! All hail the Dragon! I love you Baby! (Kisses **Dragon** )

 **Donkey:** Go ahead, Shrek.

 **Shrek:** Fiona, I love you

 **Fiona:** I love you too.

[They kiss]

 **Everyone:** Awww.

[ **Fiona** raises]

 **Dulocens**  
Oh_

Oh_

 **Female Voice:** By day one way, By night another. This shall be the norm, until you find True Love's First Kiss. And then take Love's true form.

Ah_

[ **Fiona** descends]

Ah_

[ **Fiona** is still an Ogress. She lands]

 **Shrek:** Fiona! Fiona, are you alright?

 **Fiona:** Yes, but I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful!

 **Shrek:** But you are beautiful!

 _ **Finale**_

 **Shrek**  
Once upon a time  
To be like us would be a pity  
But now we know that Beautiful  
Ain't always pretty

 **Fiona**  
I waited all my life  
Lived it by the book  
Now I know that's not my story  
You take me as I am  
Love me as I look  
Standing here in all my glory

I am sweetness  
I am bratty  
I'm a princess  
I'm a fatty  
I'm a mess of contradictions in a dress  
I am sassy  
I am sappy  
When I'm with you  
I am happy  
This is my story

 **Shrek**  
You laugh at all my jokes  
Even though they're crude  
You don't mind that I'm not classy

 **Shrek & Fiona**  
We make a perfect pair  
Radiant and rude  
So in love and much too gassy

We are ogres  
We are scary

 **Shrek, Fiona & Donkey**  
We are donkeys  
We are hairy  
We have bold and brand new stories to be told  
We will write them  
We will tell them  
You will hear them  
You will smell them  
This is our story

( **Elf & Pinocchio** hug)

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
And that is how the little ogre came to live on the swamp,  
with a beautiful princess…

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
…and his best friend!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
And his best friend.

 **Gingy**  
(Spoken)  
And a gingerbread man!

 **Pinocchio**  
(Spoken)  
And a very handsome puppet!

 **Elf**  
(Spoken)  
And an elf!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken)  
Ok…

 **White Rabbit**  
(Spoken)  
And a rabbit

 **Ugly Duckling**  
(Spoken)  
And an Ugly Duckling!

 **Bad Wolf**  
(Spoken)  
And a cross-dressing wolf!

 **Sassy Wolf & Red Ridding Hood**  
(Spoken)  
And his family!

 **Pigs**  
(Spoken)  
The Three Pigs!

 **Mama Bear (Pinocchio)**  
What makes us special  
(What makes us special)

 **Everyone**  
What makes us special!  
Oooh_

 **Mama Bear(Pinocchio){Everyone}**  
(While **Everyone** is singing _Oooh_ ) What makes us special  
(What makes us special)  
{What makes us special}

 **Everyone(including Mama Bear & Pinocchio)**  
makes us strong!

 **All**  
We are witches  
we are fairies  
we are wierdos

 **Gingy**  
I'm AN AIRES!

 **All**  
we're a giant different sampler here to try

We are puppets  
we are rabbits  
we are hobbits with bad habits  
we're a screwy but delighted crazy stew  
we are different  
and united  
we are us  
and we are you

This is our story  
this is our story  
this is our story

 **Gingy**  
(Spoken)GOD BLESS US EVERYONE!

 **All**  
The End

 **Fiona**  
(Spoken)  
I can't wait for you to meet my parents!

 **Shrek**  
(Spoken, in disbelief)  
Your parents?

* * *

Curtains may close, or the stage darkens. Entire cast take their bows, the background is **Shrek's** swamp decorated for a wedding. Music starts.

 _ **I'm A Believer**_

 **Shrek(3 Pigs)**  
I thought love was only true in fairy tales  
Meant for someone else but not for me.  
Love was out to get me (dum dum dum dum dum)  
That's the way it seems (dum dum dum dum dum)  
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

And then I saw her face(I saw her face)  
Now I'm a believer. (I saw her face)  
Not a trace(No not a trace)  
Of doubt in my mind.(In my mind)  
I'm in love  
(oooooo)  
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her  
If I tried

 **Fiona(Young & Teen Fiona)**  
I thought love was more or less a given thing(Ooh_)  
It seems the more I gave the less I got, Oh Yeah(Oh Yeah)

 **Shrek & Fiona(3 Pigs, ****Young & Teen Fiona** **)**  
What's the use in trying (Doo doo doo doo)  
All you get is pain(Doo doo doo doo)  
When I needed sunshine I got rain

 **All**  
I got rain  
I got rain

[ **Guards** take center stage]

 **Guards**  
It's fun to stay at the  
YMCA  
It's fun to stay at the  
YMCA

[ **Red Ridding Hood,** pulls **Bad Wolf,** while **Goldilocks** pulls **Jr Bear** & they all take center stage]

 **Red Ridding Hood & Goldilocks**  
I made it through the wilderness  
You know I made it through ooh ooh ooh ooh  
Didn't know how lost I was until  
I found you

[ **Elf & ****Pinocchio** take center stage]

 **Elf and** **Pinocchio**  
I can't see me lovin' nobody but you  
For all my life

[ **Sassy Wolf** takes center stage]

 **Sassy(3 Pigs)**  
Who let the dogs out? (Who, who, who, who?!)  
Who let the dogs out? (Who, who, who, who?!)  
Who let the dogs out? (Who, who, who, who?!)

 **Pig #2**  
Ya-who!

[ **Donkey** takes center stage]

 **Donkey**  
(Spoken)  
Hey y'all, can I say something?  
(Sung)  
Then I saw her face

 **Dragon**  
I saw his face

 **Donkey**  
Now I'm a believer

 **Dragon**  
I'm a believer

 **Donkey**  
Not a trace.

 **Dragon**  
No, not a trace

 **Donkey**  
Of doubt in my mind

 **Dragon**  
In my mind

 **Dragon & Donkey**  
I'm in lovde  
I'm in love, I'm in love

 **All**  
Now I'm a Believer

 **Dragon**  
Forever

 **Donkey**  
Forever, yeah

 **Fairytale Creatures(Everyone)**  
(fast)I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,(Dance to the music)  
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe(Dance to the music)  
(slower)Now I'm a Believer  
(slow)I believe  
I believe

 **Donkey & Dragon (All)**  
(fast)I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, ([slow]I believe)  
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe,  
I believe, I believe, I believe (I believe)

 **All**  
I believe_ I believe_

[The End]


End file.
